Review: A Working Girl Can't Win

A Working Girl Can't Win by Deborah Garrison

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



I wanted to like Deborah Garrison's poems more than I actually did. Yes, bosses can be arrogant and sexist, some men are terrible, and who hasn't had a day on the job that made them want to jump out of a window? Yet these poems seemed to lack any real depth beyond these themes, which is unfortunate. Her approach to men seemed very Intro to Women's Studies, if that makes sense.

Did I have fun reading them? Yes, especially my angry-feminist inner-self, which smirked most of the way through. But overall, lackluster.





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American Airlines vs. the T-Shirt

WARNING: This posts contains a little language.

Judy McIntryre, an Oklahoma state senator, held up a sign (borrowed from a protestor) at a February rally that read: "IF I WANTED THE GOVERNMENT IN MY WOMB, I'D FUCK A SENATOR." The rally was in favor of women's choices, specifically in reaction aginst the 'personhood' bill that would define life at the moment of conception, which could potentially lead to legal ramifications for a woman if she miscarries her baby, not to mention make all abortion illegal in the state. Fortunately, the Oklahoma State Supreme Court ruled the bill unconstitutional in April, and unanimously at that (thank goodness).

Fast forward almost two months.

Jodi Jacobson, Editor in Chief at RH Reality Check, posted an article yesterday about how a pro-choice colleague of hers was held by American Airlines employees and forced to miss her connecting flight because she was wearing a pro-choice shirt and they demanded that she change. And the shirt? Same message as the sign Senator McIntyre held up a few months ago.

Now, granted, the word "fuck" is offensive to many people. However, Jacobson's colleague, 'O' in her post, was not detained at security, was allowed to board the initial flight, and not seen as a security risk. It wasn't until the end of her flight when a flight attendant noticed the shirt, alerted the captain, who told 'O'  that she shouldn't have been allowed to board the plane at all, and would need to put something else on. The staff did not help hold the flight for her, causing 'O' to miss her connection.

Jacobson writes:

"But protest these laws and the War on Women with a t-shirt that gets right to the point? Let people know the basis of all of it, the people that "want government out of our lives" want to place it directly into our bodies? In a country supposedly founded on freedom of speech and expression, in which protestors can stand outside clinics harassing and threatening women and doctors, and run through every public square with gory doctored photos? A country in which other protestors can stand outside the funerals of gay soldiers killed in duty and scream disgusting insults, and still have their rights protected? 

Oh, no. You can't do that. You can't take that message that your body is your own anywhere. Because in the United States today, that is like taking your burqha off under the Taliban. That is 'offensive,' 'insulting' and 'not for public consumption.'"

And she is spot on.

It's not a shirt I would wear myself (I would be happy to wear a reworded version), but the sentiment is correct. How offensive that women across the country are being told that they don't have control over their own bodies, that they shouldn't have full say over their right to choose whether or not to have children, and when to do so.

Sleep Training / Heartbreak in 7B

Somehow I thought our baby would be different. At four days old, she was already sleeping 3-4 hours at a stretch. She's been sleeping through the night since she was three months old, and sleeping for 10-11 hour stretches for the past month or so.

But getting this five and half month-old baby to sleep is a whole different matter. Yes it's great she stays asleep, but it is to the point where every nap and bedtime are a struggle, taking 90-120 minutes sometimes. A baby that refuses to nap, even a baby that sleeps well at night, is a cranky, unhappy baby, which makes for a cranky, unhappy mom (that's me!).

So Ian and I sat down today for an hour or two and talked through the various methods of sleep-training. There are so many approaches, most of which seem cruel. Letting your baby cry for hours on end? How terrible, even if you are in the room where they can see you, not comforting them or holding them seems so strict. They're so little, how are they to understand?

We made a detailed plan, with contingencies for excessively long crying jags and napping. While we cannot call ourselves attachment-style parents completely, we nurse on demand, hold the baby as much as possible, and co-slept with her for her first three months (now she just gets the late morning). Her primary transportation is the baby carrier, usually strapped onto Ian's chest. Our version of sleep training is the most 'relaxed' it can get - picking her up and soothing her whenever she starts to actually cry (more than a fuss or short protest), staying in the room with her, and keeping a hand or two on her chest and/or head if she's at all distressed.

We have been doing... whatever works. Usually this means over an hour of fussing and crying, me hoping she'll nurse to sleep, but most likely ending in a long walk down Broadway in the stroller, or Ian rocking her in the stroller, back and forth over the lip in our kitchen doorway. As I said, it was time consuming and frustrating, and our bedtime routine didn't seem to make any difference - if she knew it was time to sleep, tears, tears, tears. Poor thing.

Everything we read said to try to have the baby to sleep approximately twelve hours before they naturally wake up. Her normal wake-up time is between 5:30-6:30 AM, so we decided on a goal of getting her to sleep around 6:00 PM, which means starting her bedtime routine (bath, baby massage, last nurse/bottle, story, and bedtime song) around 5:15-5:30 PM. It seems insanely early. It is insanely early. Don't let the baby fall asleep while you're doing these things! Put her down drowsy!

As I was nursing her this evening and she started to drift off, I started to cry. I nudged her back awake, whispering, "Not yet, Felicity, stay awake for me please." I cried because my little baby is now a surprisingly large baby, who is expressive and opinionated, and I don't get to rock her to sleep anymore. I love rocking her to sleep, nursing her into oblivion. Granted these methods haven't been working that well, but they are still such rewarding moments. Everyone said how quickly these first months would go, and how right they were. I did my best to stay present in each day and treasure all of the small moments, but they still go by so fast, and I want my newborn back. I want to hold her, and have her fall asleep on my chest with her sweet little pre-vocal sigh,

It took about an hour tonight. Ian stayed in the bedroom with her the whole time, and when she would start to cry, one of us would pick her up, calm her down, and hold her. Then she would lay back in crib. She would give us looks of deep betrayal, whimper a little (we would put a hand on her chest, or on her head, give her kisses), and then the crying would start again. Eventually she was exhausted, and fell asleep.

I think about how I get when I don't feel well. I am a cuddly person, probably annoyingly so. Ian probably wishes I would peel myself off of him sometimes, and occasionally has to express this wish on particularly warm nights. When I'm not feeling well, I just want to be held. Migraine? Hold me now, rub my head. Bad day? Hold me, rub my back, glass of white wine please. Allergies? Hold me, please kiss my forehead. And, as Ian likes to remind me, I'm not a perfect picture of health; something always seems to be wrong with me. I strained my upper arm casing a pillow last night. All of this to say, it feels wrong to not soothe her until she's in a blissful, deep sleep.

This has been the most difficult emotional milestone of motherhood yet. But we're just starting, aren't we? This is the first step of her independence and separation from me, and I suppose I need to get used to the idea that she can't always fall asleep cuddled in my arms, wonderful as that may be.

I find it heartbreaking.

This.

In response to the Time's piece last week on attachment parenting, and the outcry afterwards:

"Yes, the tenets of attachment parenting are regressive, and even potentially anti-feminist. But it’s unlikely that the individual women who practice them are going to be feminism’s downfall. What might actually kill feminism is our preference for shaming and tearing down individual women rather than advocating overdue policy changes around child-rearing: Pushing for mandatory long-term maternity or paternity leave, or high-quality childcare for all children, or a new ethos of work that doesn’t penalize parents (usually mothers) for trying to maintain a healthy and flexible work-life balance."

From Attachment Parenting: Beyond the Backslash by  Sady Doyle

Changing Demographics in the United States

Well, it's official: there are now more minority births compared to white births in the United States, or so says a recent Pew Research Center article. Their research predicts that by 2050, whites will be a minority.

The study shows that non-Hispanic whites have the oldest median age (42.3), in comparison with Hispanics (27.6), non-Hispanic blacks (32.9), and non-Hispanic Asians (35.9). It would've been nice to see the age means as well as medians, but this exemplifies how demographics are changing in the United States. The younger the population, the more women will be in child-bearing years, and the more children will be born.

This isn't really big news; these numbers have been predicted for some time. But this isn't really what I want to think about. What I want to think about is this: how long will it take before white is no longer the standard of beauty? As "minority" races become increasingly mainstream in our country, the media isn't catching on very quickly. Do we have non-white celebrities? Sure we do.

This video, created by Kiri Davis in 2006 (when she was still in high school), shows how harmful the white beauty standards can be for non-whites:

While focusing on black culture specifically, this video clearly shows that young children are socialized to see that white is desirable, even "good" (the white=good is another extremely problematic issue that I will address at a later time).

Lindsay Kite wrote an interesting piece for the Beauty Whitewashed blog that looks at the impossibly white beauty standards. She writes:

"In a country where a full one-third of the population is black, Native American, Asian, Pacific Islander, Hispanic or Latina, the serious underrepresentation of women of color in media is really disturbing. Further, when you only account for the women of color shown in positive roles or depictions – especially those depicted as beautiful or desirable – the number is almost negligible... Images of white women dominate all media – especially roles or depictions featuring “beautiful” or desirable women, not funny sidekicks, the chunky best friend, the hired help or other stereotypes. To think this doesn’t have a negative effect on females who rarely see images of their own races depicted in a positive manner is insane. To think it doesn’t have an effect on the way white people (and all people) view women of color is equally insane."

So what do we think - 10 years? 20 years? 50 years? It has to happen eventually, right?

Finding Joy [Part Eight]

Again, taking a prompt from Shelley Seale's article Finding Joy: Tips for creating your own 30-day Happiness Project:

Act the way you want to feel. Doing this often helps propel us in that direction. Try a smile, even if you don’t feel like it; try helping someone else, even if you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised how those feelings change.


Acting the way you want to feel seems to always have nice repercussions, doesn't it? Even if it's just feeling... good inside. Nothing wrong with that.


If you've been reading along, you've probably noticed there has been a whole lot of walking and adventuring lately. This is because I was actually embarrassed at how little we were doing in New York City. People would ask what our plans were for the weekend, and we would mumble something about making brunch, and possibly taking the baby to the park (the park is literally half a block away). Granted, Ian and I make a mean brunch, and Riverside park is lovely, but sometimes we get stuck in our routines. It can get a little sad. So, staying active every day (walking over a mile), and trying to explore the city - these were things I want to do so I can feel like I'm taking advantage of living here. I want to feel like a New Yorker, thus I act like a New Yorker (but am perceived as a tourist when the camera comes out).


Many of these prompts (and the general idea of a happiness project, in general) seem to focus around the being present, at least that is my interpretation. Sometimes it's hard to be present - to be in the moment and appreciate where you are, now.

How else do I want to feel?

I want to feel organized:

1. I need to have at least one room "cleaned" before bed each night. We're getting better at tidying throughout the day. My mom's "Only touch something once" rule is, once again, the best way to keep things neat. My mother, national treasure!
2. I need to get to the Container Store (or an equivalent) and purchase a few organization bins.
3. We need to go through all of the paper in our apartment and file or shred. 

I want to feel more at peace:

1. I need to not be on the defensive all the time. Sometimes I catch myself disagreeing with Ian because I feel what he said is a fraction off from what my perceived "truth" is. This is petty, and it really bugs me when he does it. (Ian, argumentative, philosopher, what?)
2. I want to read a book on meditation and peace. I think The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by the Dalai Lama is in order. I need to request this from the library.

 The smiling more couldn't hurt either. I definitely see a strong correlation of smiling at the baby (it's impossible not to smile at her!) and finding my mood improving. Not to say that I'm a crabby-cakes, but gosh, we all have our days, don't we?


Question: How do you want to feel? What is one thing you can change in your behavior to alter how you feel?

The Bechdel Test: New Rule

The Bechdel Test has three rules to test movies for gender bias:

1. Does the movie have more than two named, female characters?
2. Do they talk to each other?
3. Do they talk to each other about anything other than their relationships with men?

If all three are true, then the movie passes.While this is by no means a comprehensive test for what is feminist or not, or if a movie portrays women in a positive or realistic light, it is one tool that exposes Hollywood's extreme sexism.



Anita Sarkeesian, creator Feminist Frequency, posted a video in February 2012 proposing a fourth rule:

    4.  Do they talk to each other for more than one minute?

Sarkeesian's analysis is informative and so relevant. Yes, the 2012 Oscars have passed, but this discussion of the portrayal of women in the media is necessary.

(The original video by Sarkeesian on the Bechedel Test can be found here).

Question: What are some of your all-time favorite movies, and do they pass?

I had to think about this.Some of my favorite films are (in no particular order):

SPOILER ALERT: You're about to see that my all-time, favorite, watch-on-a-bad-day movies are girly and cuddly, and will probably make you think less of me. I want to assure you, I'm aware, and I'm sorry I'm such a romantic sap.

• Mostly Martha (Original German Version): Definitely 
• I Capture the Castle: Yes (but still mostly about romantic relationships)
• Joe versus the Volcano: Certainly not!
• A Room with a View: Yes  
• When Harry Met Sally: No! Perhaps by a slim margin the original Bechdel test (Sally and Marie do have a moment or two not talking about men, I believe), but certainly not he updated version, which I think is a much better standard.

I also love BBC productions of Jane Austen movies and have been watching these things for 15+ years, but I'm pretty sure they don't pass - maybe Sense and Sensibility does when they talk about money matters. But again, the whole point of the book is who ends up with who.

Why is it that all of my favorite comfort-media is so shallow and so god-damned heteronormative? 

The Big, Bad World

This is what I am thinking tonight:
How do I raise this little girl to be fearless, when I am so often afraid of what people will think?
How do I raise this little girl to conquer, when I so often can't get started?
How do I raise this little girl to be confident, when I'm stuck second guessing myself?

Little Felicity, it won't be easy to be strong. Being a woman is hard work, the world around you makes it hard. People expect you to be whole and to be every stereotypical woman at once, but you can't. You can't be a whole human being and have all of these conflicting identities.

There is strength in saying "No." There is strength in choosing for yourself who you are and how you show the world who that person is. There is strength in abandoning what is expected of you, and even more strength in not caring.

Review: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is a really beautiful book. I will admit to googling diving bell to understand Bauby's reference (and it makes complete sense).

Jean-Dominique Bauby dictated this book in his final year of life, through blinks, a truly amazing feat. Bauby experienced a serious stroke that left him unable to speak or move any part of his body, save his left eyelid, a condition known as locked-in syndrome.

While this type of serious tragedy would defeat almost anyone, Bauby used his time to think and reflect on his life. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is a memoir of sorts, written with grace, a keen eye for detail, and lots of wry whit. Though Bauby communicates how frustrating it is to be so completely immobile, he does not spend any time pitying himself. Rather, he reflects on how it was before the stroke - how it was to spend time with his girlfriend, small moments with his children and friends. He relates how these memories shape his time after the stroke, how he thinks differently.

This book awakens a sort of gratitude for life as it is. It can be so easy to take our lives for granted, especially in The United States, where a large majority of the population lives so comfortably, complaining about wireless services or a longer than normal line at the store. Although this is in no way comparable to Bauby's experience, I remember how it felt when my left hip went out during the last few weeks I was pregnant. While it was uncomfortable to walk before this happened, just taking a step was excruciating. I thought, "How lucky I was to be able to walk normally, and how I wish I could now."

It is that sort of thought that you leave with. Not only how blessed (dare I use such a loaded term?) to have our working bodies, but more aware of the small details and wonders that surround us. A favorite meal. A sip of tea. The pleasure of holding a book. A long kiss. The ability to say, "I love you." The feel of grass beneath your feet in the summer.







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Adventuring in New York City

A facebook friend posted something about eating chicken wings in Koreatown last night. I didn't know such a thing existed! I got online, I found a place, and shoved our small family out the door early in the afternoon to find said wings. (They were amazing, by the way).

A very long walk in Riverside Park on Thursday, picnic on The High Line yesterday, K-Town today...

I was hungry for more adventure, suddenly regretting my immobility towards the end of the pregnancy, and our propensity to stay close to home, or not leave the apartment at all. "Want to keep exploring?" I pensively asked my husband (my handsome creature-of-habit), knowing he was most interested in returning home and playing Dragon Age, and is sometimes resistant to unplanned activities. He looked at me, unsure. "We could walk to Milk & Cookies," I ventured further, hoping to entice him. That did the trick. We started to walk.

We ventured south, happening upon Madison Square Park. We found a bench and I nursed Felicity. (It's amazing how comfortable I am nursing Felicity in public now, and I give all credit to my weekly moms group that meets in the park). We continued on Fifth Avenue and encountered a street fair that stretched blocks and blocks. Grilled corn on the cob with butter, salt, and chile powder? Why yes, I believe I will! Once we reached the West Village, we happened on a crafts fair with some really lovely paintings and jewelry, and a live Jazz band.

We finally made it to our destination. If you live in New York City, or are traveling through, please do stop in at Milk & Cookies. I am fussy about my baked goods, and they (by a far stretch) have the absolute best cookies I've ever had. Seriously. They are thick, crispy on the outside but so chewy on the inside. The flavor combinations are fantastic as well. Through several visits (I never get more than one at a time, although I am always tempted), I've tried Chocolate Chip, White Chocolate & Macadamia Nut, S'mores (thanks to Ian sharing a bite today), Caramel and Chocolate, and Bacon Smack. What is Bacon Smack, you might ask. You should - it's wonderful. This lovely cookie has bacon, as you might expect, as well as cranberries, toffee, and dark chocolate chunks.

As we were eating our cookies, I saw they had a cookbook (aptly named, Milk & Cookies). "Ian, they have a cookbook, I really want that cookbook." He glanced up from his s'mores cookie, mid-dunk. "Rachel, we need a new cookbook like we need a hole in the head." I sighed. "Really, more than a hole in the head? I think a cookbook is slightly more useful than that." He chewed thoughtfully, but did not respond.

Usually when I want things but walk away from them (as we should with all possible impulse purchases, even if it's on clearance), I promptly forget about whatever it is that I saw. This is an incredible money-saving technique that has kept me in budget many-a-time, saving hundreds of dollars. Maybe more. But sometimes a cookbook will sing to you. It was the same way when I saw Deborah Madison's Seasonal Fruit Desserts.

I waited until we'd been home for a few hours. I uploaded some pictures on facebook, nursed the baby, read for awhile, put the baby to bed... and then I tentatively went on Amazon, just to see how unaffordable Milk & Cookies was: $13.13, egad! Not $40, as I'd anticipated.

"Hey Ian..." I said slowly from the couch, looking at him from across the room.

He looked up. "Yeah, babe?"

"Remember that one time that you said we needed a cookbook like we need a hole in the head?" His brow furrowed slightly, he turned back to his game. I whisperd, "This cookbook is only thirteen dollars. More loudly, "And I really want it."

"You really want it?"

"Yes. I really want it." He nodded. I enthusiastically clicked on Amazon's "Buy Now with 1-Click!" button (also known as the Demon button).

I'll let you know how the cookbook is, I promise.

This is how decisions are made in the house. It's why I have twenty cookbooks and why Ian has has  as many video games. But it's also why we don't have three hundred cookbooks, and why Ian only plays video games for a few hours a week.