I've been listening the album Put Your Back N 2 It by Perfume Genius (Mike Headras) on Spotify for a few months now and have been really enjoying it. I'll admit, it was usually on in the background and I didn't pay much attention to the words, just loved the overall sound and feeling of it.
I was on HuffPost today for whatever reason, and ended up clicking on a story about a gay porn star that committed suicide a few days ago in New York City (Arpad Miklos). As I was reading the story, it referenced a music video that Mr. Miklos performed in with Mike Headras. Of course I clicked on it, and it's beyond lovely and moving.
See what I mean?
HuffPost reported that this video had been banned from YouTube. The music video is up today (I hope you just watched it, or are about to watch it), and in following the in-text links from HuffPost, it looks like a 16-second promo for the album is what was actually banned from YouTube.
YouTube apparently banned the promo because it wasn't "family safe," writing the following:
"The ad has been disapproved because it violates our Adult
Image/Video Content policy. Per this policy, video content, audio,
static imagery, and site content must be family safe. Any ads that
contain non family safe material are disapproved. I noted to the team
that the people in the video are not entirely unclothed, but the overall
feeling of the video is one of a more adult nature, including promoting
mature sexual themes and what appears to be nude content. As such, the
video is non family safe. In order to have this video ad approved, you
will need to bring it into compliance with our policy."
Of course, as HuffPost pointed out, YouTube most likely would not have had an issue with the video if it featured a heterosexual couple instead of homosexual one.
I know, I know, this is old news (a whole year old, and I'm pretty sure internet years are like dog years). Even though this issue has since been resolved, the banning of a harmless promotion really irked me. I wrote about the potential harm of assuming heterosexuality two weeks ago (part of the overarching theme of heteronormativity we find ourselves in), and THIS is the result: the blindness that people and organizations have about putting heterosexuality over homosexuality, and marginalizing people that don't fit into nice little boxes of "masculine," "feminine," and "straight." (And really, is anyone 100% straight? I'm not.)
A quote from Headras:
"Why are straight women always walking with their hands in the back
pocket of their boyfriends' jeans? Would I do that all the time too if I
didn't have to think about it? Alan [Hadreas's boyfriend] and I hold
hands in specific parts of the city and sometimes outside of those
parts. But there is always a little 'catch'; no matter how much I think
the shame and fear is gone, there is always a little something in the
back of my mind. I am almost embarrassed sometimes when we are holding
hands, and that fucking infuriates me. I can't even imagine that
hesitation ever going away, and that makes me very sad."
Where do I feel safe? I feel safe almost everywhere. I feel safe in my apartment, in my parents' home, in my neighborhood, and really anywhere that Ian and I go together. I feel safe holding hands with him, even kissing or hugging him in public. I feel safe in my sexuality.
I find it saddening to imagine a world where none of that is true, or only bits and pieces are true. I have never had to "come out of the closet." I don't worry about my family rejecting me for wanting to have sex with the person I love. I don't worry about not being able to express the gender I identify with. I don't worry about being unable to find gainful employment because I'm open an openly straight person (I worry about finding gainful employment for other reasons!).
Showing posts with label heteronormativity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heteronormativity. Show all posts
Friday, February 8, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Felicity's First Boyfriend
Names have been changed for privacy.
"...And Felicity's boyfriend will be here tomorrow night for dinner," my mom said with a smile as she folded a towel. I paused what I was doing and looked at her.
I was visiting my family for two weeks over Christmas, and my mom had invited her close friend Georgia, along with her husband and one-year-old son, Julian, over for dinner on New Year's Eve.
I was really excited to see Georgia; she's been a sort of surrogate big-sister/mentor for me since my teen years. I cried when she miscarried her first pregnancy, and was thrilled to find out she was expecting again, a few days after I found out I was pregnant with Felicity. Julian is about three months older than my small offspring, and, apparently, is Felicity's intended.
"Mom," I said softly, "Julian isn't Felicity's boyfriend." I paused. "Felicity can only have a boyfriend if she can consent to have a boyfriend, and she hasn't yet, she's much too little to make a choice like that."
We turned back to the still-warm towels and continued folding, moving on to conversation about what we would serve for dinner, and my plans to bake that evening.
The next afternoon, while Felicity took her afternoon nap, my older sister and I sorted through a large tub of pink baby clothes passed down by one of my aunts. My mom was straightening the kitchen and living room, a seemingly endless task with two toddler grandchildren hell-bent on spreading duplos and board-back books to every possible corner. She stopped by the table to check our progress with the clothes.
"Felicity's boyfriend will be here in about an hour," she said, encouraging us to finish our project and clean up the aftermath as swiftly as possible before the company arrived.
"Mom!" I snapped, more harshly than I intended, "Julian is not Felicity's boyfriend!" I furiously picked up a pink sweater and folded it quickly, messily. "She isn't old enough to speak for herself. She isn't old enough to choose to date someone and to say if she'll even like boys. She may decide she wants to date girls!"
I couldn't look up to meet my mother's eyes. My sweet and loving Christian mother holds very different views on sexuality and morality and I'm sure I offended her on many levels. I felt bad that I reacted so hotly and that I had most likely caused pain, but I also didn't regret my words.
"But in as much as Julian is a boy, and in as much as he is her baby friend, then yes, he is Felicity's boy friend, a friend that is a boy," I conceded.
"Yes," she said quietly, "That's what I mean."
I know she meant well, but I also know it isn't what she meant. I know because it's what I grew up in, the endless matching of this person to that person, always female and male. It's odd that I basically wasn't allowed to date at all throughout high school (yet did, on the sly, once or twice), but I was often verbally paired with someone from church that met with my parents' approval.
This is part of the problem though, isn't it? It seems so innocent and sweet, to tease about babies dating, or even to tease your teenage daughter about which boy in her youth group is cute (although only boys who get good grades, are "serious about the Lord," and intend to go to very good Christian colleges are presented as options). And haven't I been tempted to do the same thing with some of the New York mamas with some seriously sweet and adorable baby boys?
But I abstain, because what I said to my mom is absolutely true: I don't know if Felicity will be interested in men or women when she grows up. I don't know if she'll decide she wants to identify as a female. For all I know, she may resent the fact that she has such a feminine name and go by Brian instead (her middle name, which I'm suddenly convinced we wrote out as 'Brain' on her birth certificate), and decide to have her breasts removed. I do know that whoever and whatever she chooses to identify as, I want to support her completely. I never want her to feel any shame about who she is, what she feels, or what she wants. I don't want to assume anything about her that will cause her harm, or the harm of others.
And that's really what this is about. Statistically, my daughter will choose to identify as a female and will be attracted to men. But by assuming that this is the case and joking about it, we reinforce that heterosexuality is expected, that it is what is normal and right. This belief is why homosexual and queer kids are bullied in school, why adults find it difficult to find work if they dress or act outside of the binary of male/masculine and female/feminine, why our country is having such a difficult time accepting the possibility of gay marriage.
For now my daughter's bangs are swept to the side with a little bow as they grow out, but she also listens to stories about how a baby bird has two mommy birds, or two daddy birds, and all of the dinosaurs in her books are strong, decisive lady dinosaurs.
"...And Felicity's boyfriend will be here tomorrow night for dinner," my mom said with a smile as she folded a towel. I paused what I was doing and looked at her.
I was visiting my family for two weeks over Christmas, and my mom had invited her close friend Georgia, along with her husband and one-year-old son, Julian, over for dinner on New Year's Eve.
I was really excited to see Georgia; she's been a sort of surrogate big-sister/mentor for me since my teen years. I cried when she miscarried her first pregnancy, and was thrilled to find out she was expecting again, a few days after I found out I was pregnant with Felicity. Julian is about three months older than my small offspring, and, apparently, is Felicity's intended.
"Mom," I said softly, "Julian isn't Felicity's boyfriend." I paused. "Felicity can only have a boyfriend if she can consent to have a boyfriend, and she hasn't yet, she's much too little to make a choice like that."
We turned back to the still-warm towels and continued folding, moving on to conversation about what we would serve for dinner, and my plans to bake that evening.
The next afternoon, while Felicity took her afternoon nap, my older sister and I sorted through a large tub of pink baby clothes passed down by one of my aunts. My mom was straightening the kitchen and living room, a seemingly endless task with two toddler grandchildren hell-bent on spreading duplos and board-back books to every possible corner. She stopped by the table to check our progress with the clothes.
"Felicity's boyfriend will be here in about an hour," she said, encouraging us to finish our project and clean up the aftermath as swiftly as possible before the company arrived.
"Mom!" I snapped, more harshly than I intended, "Julian is not Felicity's boyfriend!" I furiously picked up a pink sweater and folded it quickly, messily. "She isn't old enough to speak for herself. She isn't old enough to choose to date someone and to say if she'll even like boys. She may decide she wants to date girls!"
I couldn't look up to meet my mother's eyes. My sweet and loving Christian mother holds very different views on sexuality and morality and I'm sure I offended her on many levels. I felt bad that I reacted so hotly and that I had most likely caused pain, but I also didn't regret my words.
"But in as much as Julian is a boy, and in as much as he is her baby friend, then yes, he is Felicity's boy friend, a friend that is a boy," I conceded.
"Yes," she said quietly, "That's what I mean."
I know she meant well, but I also know it isn't what she meant. I know because it's what I grew up in, the endless matching of this person to that person, always female and male. It's odd that I basically wasn't allowed to date at all throughout high school (yet did, on the sly, once or twice), but I was often verbally paired with someone from church that met with my parents' approval.
This is part of the problem though, isn't it? It seems so innocent and sweet, to tease about babies dating, or even to tease your teenage daughter about which boy in her youth group is cute (although only boys who get good grades, are "serious about the Lord," and intend to go to very good Christian colleges are presented as options). And haven't I been tempted to do the same thing with some of the New York mamas with some seriously sweet and adorable baby boys?
But I abstain, because what I said to my mom is absolutely true: I don't know if Felicity will be interested in men or women when she grows up. I don't know if she'll decide she wants to identify as a female. For all I know, she may resent the fact that she has such a feminine name and go by Brian instead (her middle name, which I'm suddenly convinced we wrote out as 'Brain' on her birth certificate), and decide to have her breasts removed. I do know that whoever and whatever she chooses to identify as, I want to support her completely. I never want her to feel any shame about who she is, what she feels, or what she wants. I don't want to assume anything about her that will cause her harm, or the harm of others.
And that's really what this is about. Statistically, my daughter will choose to identify as a female and will be attracted to men. But by assuming that this is the case and joking about it, we reinforce that heterosexuality is expected, that it is what is normal and right. This belief is why homosexual and queer kids are bullied in school, why adults find it difficult to find work if they dress or act outside of the binary of male/masculine and female/feminine, why our country is having such a difficult time accepting the possibility of gay marriage.
For now my daughter's bangs are swept to the side with a little bow as they grow out, but she also listens to stories about how a baby bird has two mommy birds, or two daddy birds, and all of the dinosaurs in her books are strong, decisive lady dinosaurs.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Interesting Article by the Harvard Business Review: Are Women Held Back by Colleagues' Wives?
I read a very interesting article by Lauren Stiller Rikleen in Harvard Business Review today that I want to discuss. Titled "Are Women Held Back by Colleagues' Wives?, this article discusses a recent study on how men's perceptions of women and women's roles correlate with whether their own wives work outside the home, and if so, the extent to which they do.
I don't have access to the original study, so my thoughts may be repetitive of their conclusions and suggestions for further research, but I would like to see a follow up study that investigates the types of environments such men grow up in, in combination with what their do for a living, and how they view women in the workplace. My guess is such research would find that sexism in the workplace is more indicative of how men (and women) were raised and their general views of men's and women's roles, versus men's wives being the issue (as the title of the article might suggest).
A group of researchers from several universities recently published a report on the attitudes and beliefs of employed men, which shows that those with wives who did not work outside the home or who worked part-time were more likely than those with wives who worked to: (1) have an unfavorable view about women in the workplace; (2)think workplaces run less smoothly with more women; (3) view workplaces with female leaders as less desirable; and (4) consider female candidates for promotion to be less qualified than comparable male colleagues.What immediately sprang to my mind was this: What type of men and women enter into a marriage where partners play to traditional segregation of business and home? While Ian's and my marriage is evidence that even feminists can end up in a relationship where the female (mom) ends up staying home for some amount of time for one reason or another (though technically I'm working on my thesis... ), it is my feeling that many women who end up staying home with children, or work part time, do so because they hold more traditional views on gender roles within a marriage and family. Men that are looking for and marrying women who have expectations for staying at home with children (or not working as much as is expected of the man) more than likely have some gender stereotypes that hinder women from succeeding in a career environment.
I don't have access to the original study, so my thoughts may be repetitive of their conclusions and suggestions for further research, but I would like to see a follow up study that investigates the types of environments such men grow up in, in combination with what their do for a living, and how they view women in the workplace. My guess is such research would find that sexism in the workplace is more indicative of how men (and women) were raised and their general views of men's and women's roles, versus men's wives being the issue (as the title of the article might suggest).
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
(Somewhat) Brief Interviews with Lovely Ladies
My good friend L. is completing her thesis, doing research on feminist mothering and queering mothering. L. is also finishing her degree in Women's and Gender Studies at Eastern, and we started our program together in 2010. She drove to Ann Arbor today, and we sat down for a couple of hours with some iced tea at the kitchen table, and she interviewed me.
The questions were good ones, centering on my views of what feminism is, how I became a feminist, how feminism shaped my decision to have a child, birthing choices, and how I parent. In addition, we talked about whether or not 'queer' parenting is a possibility for heterosexual families, and what this would look like. (I won't write about all of this here, you can read about many of my views in this blog post).
During the interview, L. asked me about what kind of feminist community I have in New York City. I paused, and with reluctance shared that I really didn't have any feminist community at home. I didn't even really realize that I was so missing this part of my life until I stopped and thought about it. While it's true that I love my local moms' group and look forward to our weekly visits in Sakura Park, and I'm sure a handful of the moms may own up to the term 'feminist,' we don't talk about our experiences, children, and parenting through this type of filter.
I found that group through meetup.com (and I refuse to be embarrassed about this - I don't think I would have made it through those first few months without this group!), and I'm sure I could find some sort of feminist mothers' group there as well; it is New York City, after all! Or maybe I could start a fringe group in my area, I really wouldn't mind hosting that sort of thing.
Community is such an interesting thing. I was looking forward to spending more time with good friends in Ann Arbor this summer, but it turns out that without a car, and with friends moving further away, I'm spending more of my time alone (or with Ian) than I do in the New York.
You might ask, what is feminist community? Personally, feminism shapes my perspectives. It is the filter through which I process my experiences in life and make sense of the world. That said, it is incredibly valuable to have discussions with other people (and parents, specifically, now that I'm a mummy) that share this worldview, and to feel supported and supportive to others. Feminist community is a safe place to process, and sometimes, just vent.
For the feminists out there, what kind of community do you have? L. mentioned that her primary feminist community is online (though she and her husband are starting a feminist/queer parenting group next month, neat!). My feminist community consisted of my peers in my grad program until I moved, and now I really don't have any. And I miss it.
The questions were good ones, centering on my views of what feminism is, how I became a feminist, how feminism shaped my decision to have a child, birthing choices, and how I parent. In addition, we talked about whether or not 'queer' parenting is a possibility for heterosexual families, and what this would look like. (I won't write about all of this here, you can read about many of my views in this blog post).
During the interview, L. asked me about what kind of feminist community I have in New York City. I paused, and with reluctance shared that I really didn't have any feminist community at home. I didn't even really realize that I was so missing this part of my life until I stopped and thought about it. While it's true that I love my local moms' group and look forward to our weekly visits in Sakura Park, and I'm sure a handful of the moms may own up to the term 'feminist,' we don't talk about our experiences, children, and parenting through this type of filter.
I found that group through meetup.com (and I refuse to be embarrassed about this - I don't think I would have made it through those first few months without this group!), and I'm sure I could find some sort of feminist mothers' group there as well; it is New York City, after all! Or maybe I could start a fringe group in my area, I really wouldn't mind hosting that sort of thing.
Community is such an interesting thing. I was looking forward to spending more time with good friends in Ann Arbor this summer, but it turns out that without a car, and with friends moving further away, I'm spending more of my time alone (or with Ian) than I do in the New York.
You might ask, what is feminist community? Personally, feminism shapes my perspectives. It is the filter through which I process my experiences in life and make sense of the world. That said, it is incredibly valuable to have discussions with other people (and parents, specifically, now that I'm a mummy) that share this worldview, and to feel supported and supportive to others. Feminist community is a safe place to process, and sometimes, just vent.
For the feminists out there, what kind of community do you have? L. mentioned that her primary feminist community is online (though she and her husband are starting a feminist/queer parenting group next month, neat!). My feminist community consisted of my peers in my grad program until I moved, and now I really don't have any. And I miss it.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Looming Thesis Topic
I have two things left to finish my degree:
In meeting with B. last night, I am even more perplexed about what my actual thesis topic should be. I have all of this reading I've done on queer identity and heteronormativity, which are great places to start, but she emphasized the need to "ground" the theory - interviews with participants focusing on specific questions, reviewing a host of blogs or seasons of a television show, a statistical survey, you get the idea.
I hadn't even considered this a part of what I needed to do, but I see the value in it. And I have to have a list of ideas to her by Friday (two days!). This is good - I need a swift kick to the rear to really get moving and have direction, but eeks McGregor!
I am also very interested in the juxtaposition of feminism and attachment parenting. B. suggested an alternative project of looking at the intersection of queer parenting and these two topics.
So maybe I should start working on both papers, and see what they each develop into. Or maybe I just need to make a decision and stop putting off the inevitable.
It's like buying a wedding dress though - something might feel really right, but by committing to it, you are saying "no" to every other possibility, even if you see something later that is a better value, or more figure-flattering. I suppose the wonderful thing about research is that you can always work on whatever you want, one does want ones thesis to be outstanding and special.
- Write a 20-30 page paper for an independent study.
- Write a 80-100 page thesis.
In meeting with B. last night, I am even more perplexed about what my actual thesis topic should be. I have all of this reading I've done on queer identity and heteronormativity, which are great places to start, but she emphasized the need to "ground" the theory - interviews with participants focusing on specific questions, reviewing a host of blogs or seasons of a television show, a statistical survey, you get the idea.
I hadn't even considered this a part of what I needed to do, but I see the value in it. And I have to have a list of ideas to her by Friday (two days!). This is good - I need a swift kick to the rear to really get moving and have direction, but eeks McGregor!
I am also very interested in the juxtaposition of feminism and attachment parenting. B. suggested an alternative project of looking at the intersection of queer parenting and these two topics.
So maybe I should start working on both papers, and see what they each develop into. Or maybe I just need to make a decision and stop putting off the inevitable.
It's like buying a wedding dress though - something might feel really right, but by committing to it, you are saying "no" to every other possibility, even if you see something later that is a better value, or more figure-flattering. I suppose the wonderful thing about research is that you can always work on whatever you want, one does want ones thesis to be outstanding and special.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
One of the Most Offensive Ads I've Seen.... Ever.
Addendum June 26th, 2012: Sorry the original link went down; I re-linked the video.
We're traveling, which means hotel rooms, which means.... cable. Ian and I don't have a TV set and wouldn't pay for cable if we did, but we're all for watching a little television once the little lady is asleep for the evening.
Last night, we saw an ad for Klondike Bars:
This makes me want to throw up.
Apparently wives are boring and only talk about shades of yellow and decorating, and "listening" to a woman talk for five seconds means a man deserves a reward. Seriously? When he receives his reward, notice that it's younger, more attractive women who emerge to give him the ice cream, and see how relieved he is not to have to pay attention to his spouse.
Apparently I'm not the only one who noticed this atrocity of an ad. What stereotypical bullshit.
Ian and I vowed to never buy from Klondike again (unless they apologize for the ad... and start making their ice cream out of real ingredients), and I hope you'll do the same.
We're traveling, which means hotel rooms, which means.... cable. Ian and I don't have a TV set and wouldn't pay for cable if we did, but we're all for watching a little television once the little lady is asleep for the evening.
Last night, we saw an ad for Klondike Bars:
This makes me want to throw up.
Apparently wives are boring and only talk about shades of yellow and decorating, and "listening" to a woman talk for five seconds means a man deserves a reward. Seriously? When he receives his reward, notice that it's younger, more attractive women who emerge to give him the ice cream, and see how relieved he is not to have to pay attention to his spouse.
Apparently I'm not the only one who noticed this atrocity of an ad. What stereotypical bullshit.
Ian and I vowed to never buy from Klondike again (unless they apologize for the ad... and start making their ice cream out of real ingredients), and I hope you'll do the same.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Bechdel Test: New Rule
The Bechdel Test has three rules to test movies for gender bias:
Anita Sarkeesian, creator Feminist Frequency, posted a video in February 2012 proposing a fourth rule:
4. Do they talk to each other for more than one minute?
Sarkeesian's analysis is informative and so relevant. Yes, the 2012 Oscars have passed, but this discussion of the portrayal of women in the media is necessary.
(The original video by Sarkeesian on the Bechedel Test can be found here).
Question: What are some of your all-time favorite movies, and do they pass?
I had to think about this.Some of my favorite films are (in no particular order):
SPOILER ALERT: You're about to see that my all-time, favorite, watch-on-a-bad-day movies are girly and cuddly, and will probably make you think less of me. I want to assure you, I'm aware, and I'm sorry I'm such a romantic sap.
Why is it that all of my favorite comfort-media is so shallow and so god-damned heteronormative?
- Does the movie have more than two named, female characters?
- Do they talk to each other?
- Do they talk to each other about anything other than their relationships with men?
Anita Sarkeesian, creator Feminist Frequency, posted a video in February 2012 proposing a fourth rule:
4. Do they talk to each other for more than one minute?
Sarkeesian's analysis is informative and so relevant. Yes, the 2012 Oscars have passed, but this discussion of the portrayal of women in the media is necessary.
(The original video by Sarkeesian on the Bechedel Test can be found here).
Question: What are some of your all-time favorite movies, and do they pass?
I had to think about this.Some of my favorite films are (in no particular order):
SPOILER ALERT: You're about to see that my all-time, favorite, watch-on-a-bad-day movies are girly and cuddly, and will probably make you think less of me. I want to assure you, I'm aware, and I'm sorry I'm such a romantic sap.
- Mostly Martha (Original German Version): Definitely
- I Capture the Castle: Yes (but still mostly about romantic relationships)
- Joe versus the Volcano: Certainly not!
- A Room with a View: Yes
- When Harry Met Sally: No! Perhaps by a slim margin the original Bechdel test (Sally and Marie do have a moment or two not talking about men, I believe), but certainly not he updated version, which I think is a much better standard.
Why is it that all of my favorite comfort-media is so shallow and so god-damned heteronormative?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)