Mindfulness Project: Week One

Today is the start of the Beginning Mindfulness reading project. Beginning Mindfulness:Learning the Way of Awareness, by Andrew Weiss, is a non-religious approach to meditation and daily mindfulness. The book is a 10-week course, with a chapter a week for guidance, and projects to work on with each chapter.

There are three of us reading the book together. We all read the introduction and first chapter yesterday, and today was the day for implementation! I'll talk a little about how Day One went, but first, a brief summary of what was read.



In the first week's chapter, Weiss introduced several main concepts:

1. Sitting Meditation (Formal Meditation) - this is what we all think of when we hear the word 'meditation.' You sit, you breathe, and you try to empty your head of thoughts and concerns. Weiss recommends counting from one to ten with in and out breaths, then count back down again (in, one, out, one; in, two, out, two... and so forth) to center yourself as you start.
2. Daily Mindfulness (Informal Practice) - part of learning mindfulness is to center the self and thoughts throughout the day, and to be aware of what you are doing as you do it. He recommends stopping at various points during the day to focus on your breathing and recenter yourself, and to note mental and physical transitions as they occur.
3. Bell of Mindfulness - using a bell (or bell sound) to center yourself, whether when starting your formal meditation, or during the day to remind yourself to center and focus on your breath.

The assignments for the week are to start with two five-minute formal sitting meditations a day, and to pick a mindfulness activity (there is an extended list of daily mindful activities in the book, covering anything from noticing the way your feet hit the floor in the morning, to being mindful when you are on your way out the door in the morning, to using a bell of mindfulness in the home in the evening).

For my mindfulness project of the week, I installed a "Mindful Clock" on my computer, which plays a small tone every 15 minutes, and a more sonorous tone every 60 minutes. I have copied a suggested gatha (small mindfulness poem) onto a notecard, and will attempt to read it and breathe with it whenever I hear the tone:

Voice of the bell, voice my heart,  (breathe in),
I invite your sound to awaken me. (breathe out)
May all beings live in mindfulness, (breathe in)
Our hearts open and minds clear. (breathe out)

I will admit that the gatha still sounds a little silly to me, and I might try writing another myself, or finding a book at the library with a larger list, but it's what I'll use for now.

Ian and I tried our first sitting practice tonight. We arranged ourselves on the living room floor, in places where we don't normally sit during the day (and we actually spend a great deal of time on the floor with Felicity, so that is harder than you might imagine). We used an online meditation bell, and gave ourselves ten minutes.

It was actually easier than I thought it would be to stay focused, and it surprised me how quickly the ten minutes went by. I started with the breathing exercise that Weiss mentioned, and went ahead and repeated it the two times I found myself distracted. For most of the time, I tried to integrate some of a meditation method I'd read about elsewhere: to stare softly at the place in-between your closed eyes, and to find the light and look at it, then to say the names for god that use over and over again. Being the irreligious soul I am, I didn't really have any names for god to use, and don't necessarily know that this of any good, but I repeated qualities that I want to grow in my life, like love, grace, and peace.

All in all, I would say the first day is off to a good start. I'm excited to see how I feel by the end of the first week, and by the end of the ten weeks! Now if I can just get flexible enough to do a full lotus...

After I've Written My Thesis...

.... this will be my next project:

To read No Plot? No Problem: A Low Stress, High-Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days by Chris Baty. And then, as you might have already guessed, try to write a book in a month.

Gretchen Rubin wrote about reading Baty's book in The Happiness Project, and wrote her own novel in 30 days. It sounded like a fun and rewarding project. Essentially, you are charged with writing 1,666 words a day, which leaves you with a 50,000 word text once the month is complete. And, as much as I have on my plate to get done in the next few months, I have not been able to get this idea out of my head.

Yes, the book will most likely be complete garbage, but it's a good start to work up a little courage to work on some other writing projects, especially if I'm interested in trying to work my thesis into a book project at some point (quite possibly).

It seems to me that courage is an essential part of being a writer. You have to have the courage to sit down and actually do the writing, then the courage to show what you've done to others, then the courage to accept feedback (much of which will most likely be "constructive"), and then the courage to actually try to publish the damn thing. And if you get that far, the courage to admit that your book will most likely not be read or liked by anyone, and if it is read, you'll have to put up with persnickety readers (such as myself) leaving half-assed reviews on goodreads.com.

In any case, it takes a lot of courage to write. Courage and a lot of get-go, and a lot of self-

It seems like a 30-day book writing challenge would be like a swift kick in the butt. Yes, you can commit to writing so many pages a day (even if they're utter muck), and yes, you can get write a book. The first step of doing something well is knowing it can be done at all, yes?

I don't even know that I want to write a novel someday, but I have been working on a collection of letters and essays to/for Felicity that I started over a year ago, when I was pregnant with her, and have continued working on (though not with any sort of consistency).

Or Ian has suggested that I enter the somewhat lucrative and nearly quality-control-free world of romance novel writing. The best pen name I've come up with is Geraldine Plum.

Relaxation & Meditation

It's been awhile since I've posted anything about the Finding Joy / Happiness Project. Truth be told, I've not be doing much (save making the daily goals charts for myself and Ian, which we will start tomorrow). I have some books from the library to go through, but everything has been on hold.

No longer.

I have been thinking about meditation recently, especially because I feel anxious so much of the time. I grew up in an evangelical Christian household, where the word 'meditation' was unfamiliar, and the practice, not exactly acceptable. Too New Age, too cult.

That said, it's taken a little bit of mental adjustment to see meditation as something that could be beneficial to me. And what is meditation, really, besides the quieting of the mind and relaxing of the body?

I did two things today:

1. I downloaded three mp3 tracks from amazon.com for guided relaxation; they all have the same vocal instructions, but one has no background noise, one has waves, and one has some zen music. 
2. I ordered Beginning Mindfulness: Learning the Way of Awareness by Andrew Weiss. This book is a ten-week instructional on how to increase mindfulness and learn to meditate. I also picked up a copy from our local library, because I'm terrible at waiting for things I'm really excited about.

I just finished a twenty-minute segment of the guided relaxation/meditation, and it felt amazing. Have you taken a yoga course? If not, I'll let you in on a secret: at the end of any decent yoga class, there is this magical time where the lights are dimmed, you recline on your mat, and you relax your entire body. The instructor has you close your eyes, and verbally works through different muscle groups in your body, helping you to completely relax. You feel like butter.

This track was twenty minutes of this, and I feel a little blissful afterwards.... if feeling like butter is blissful (it is). I was so relaxed, I lost my bladder control! (This didn't actually happen).

Ian has agreed to do the ten-week awareness project with me, and I'm trying to talk someone else into doing it with us. Want to join? Order the book, and let me know you're interested. I'll be blogging as we go and it would be nice to get a discussion going.

Further Attempts at Organization

It's now after 1:00 am, and I've spent the last... while, shall we say, creating this little document. I know, I know, I'm (seriously) not the most tech-savvy person, and it's not perfect. But I'm thrilled with this and am going to have Ian print out a handful for me tomorrow, or maybe just one I can laminate for daily use (what with the environment in mind, and all that).

Finding Joy [Part Eight]

Again, taking a prompt from Shelley Seale's article Finding Joy: Tips for creating your own 30-day Happiness Project:

Act the way you want to feel. Doing this often helps propel us in that direction. Try a smile, even if you don’t feel like it; try helping someone else, even if you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised how those feelings change.


Acting the way you want to feel seems to always have nice repercussions, doesn't it? Even if it's just feeling... good inside. Nothing wrong with that.


If you've been reading along, you've probably noticed there has been a whole lot of walking and adventuring lately. This is because I was actually embarrassed at how little we were doing in New York City. People would ask what our plans were for the weekend, and we would mumble something about making brunch, and possibly taking the baby to the park (the park is literally half a block away). Granted, Ian and I make a mean brunch, and Riverside park is lovely, but sometimes we get stuck in our routines. It can get a little sad. So, staying active every day (walking over a mile), and trying to explore the city - these were things I want to do so I can feel like I'm taking advantage of living here. I want to feel like a New Yorker, thus I act like a New Yorker (but am perceived as a tourist when the camera comes out).


Many of these prompts (and the general idea of a happiness project, in general) seem to focus around the being present, at least that is my interpretation. Sometimes it's hard to be present - to be in the moment and appreciate where you are, now.

How else do I want to feel?

I want to feel organized:

1. I need to have at least one room "cleaned" before bed each night. We're getting better at tidying throughout the day. My mom's "Only touch something once" rule is, once again, the best way to keep things neat. My mother, national treasure!
2. I need to get to the Container Store (or an equivalent) and purchase a few organization bins.
3. We need to go through all of the paper in our apartment and file or shred. 

I want to feel more at peace:

1. I need to not be on the defensive all the time. Sometimes I catch myself disagreeing with Ian because I feel what he said is a fraction off from what my perceived "truth" is. This is petty, and it really bugs me when he does it. (Ian, argumentative, philosopher, what?)
2. I want to read a book on meditation and peace. I think The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by the Dalai Lama is in order. I need to request this from the library.

 The smiling more couldn't hurt either. I definitely see a strong correlation of smiling at the baby (it's impossible not to smile at her!) and finding my mood improving. Not to say that I'm a crabby-cakes, but gosh, we all have our days, don't we?


Question: How do you want to feel? What is one thing you can change in your behavior to alter how you feel?

Finding Joy [Part Seven]

Taking my daily prompt from Shelley Seale's article Finding Joy: Tips for creating your own 30-day Happiness Project, today's topic is Quality Time.

Choose carefully the people and activities you spend your time with. Make enough time for those which really matter to you, and make it focused time—be present with it, not planning all the other things on your to-do list.

This is good advice, whether one is embarking on a happiness project or not.

My initial reaction to the prompt was I hardly have any friends in New York, so this doesn't even apply to me. Of course, our first reactions are sometimes... stupid. Not only do I have two blossoming friendships with moms I've met in a local moms group, but one of my college roommates living Brooklyn, and I'm able to see her once or twice a month.

But for us, in New York with no family and missing our best friends, this means making time to stay in touch with our long-distance loved ones. Sometimes I feel lazy for spending an hour or so on Skype each day instead of doing "productive" things, like cleaning or laundry or reading for my thesis. Yet talking to my mom, my sister (who lives in Honduras with small family), and my mother-in-law on Skype is fantastic. I've never been closer to any of these wonderful women, they get to witness the growth of my small, resistant-to-bedtime offspring (who is shrieking in the other room as Ian tries to lull her into a blissful slumber), and their companionship and encouragement help keep me sane.

This also means spending more time corresponding with friends - letters! I never thought I would enjoy sending letters and cards, but popping a card into the mail is bliss! We even added a small weekly budget category for correspondence. This makes me happy.

Ian and I are usually good at spending time together. We have a goal of an hour of 'Us' time (computers off) after Felicity is down for the night, whether this is playing a game together, working on a crossword, reading together, cooking or baking, or just cuddling and chatting. Realistically this doesn't always happen (mostly because Felicity hates to sleep and sometimes getting her down can take hours), but the thought is there. Even if we don't have time to take our 'Us' time after Flick falls asleep, we're good at talking a little as we drift off to sleep, probably the reason I'm such a strong proponent of couples going to bed at the same time.

It took Ian a bit to get used to me asking, "What was the best part about your day, honey?" as a snuggle up next to him in bed, followed by, "And what as the worst part about your day?" Even if it's the briefest of chats before falling asleep, this really grounds us, helps us check in with each other and stay on the same page.

How do you stay in touch with your loved ones? Do you intentionally carve out time for close friends, write letters, chat on the phone with your family or friends?

Finding Joy [Part Six]

Again, taking a prompt from Shelley Seale's article Finding Joy: Tips for creating your own 30-day Happiness Project, today's topic is short-term pleasure versus long-term happiness:

View happiness in the long-term. Immediate/temporary pleasures are often harmful to us in the long run; for example, it might be more pleasurable to sit and eat ice cream in the moment, rather than work out. But ultimately, you will be happier if you’re active and healthy.

Self control. What is that again? Oh yeah, it's when I make a decision that I don't necessarily like now to have a greater

Ian and I are reading Brain Rules: 12 Rules for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School by John Medina. The first chapter covers the enormous positive impact of exercise on brain power (thinking, memory, learning, etc.) and, of course, health. Some surprising facts* include:

• Humans are designed to walk approximately twelve miles a day (I walked about a mile and a half today).
• Aerobic exercise practiced two or three times a week for at least 30 minutes "at a clip" will improve brain functioning, and such exercise reduces the odds of getting Alzheimer's by 60%.
• Exercise releases serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, "the three neurotransmitters most commonly associated with the maintenance of mental health." Regular exercise helps with depression and anxiety. 
• Walking at least 20 minutes daily decreases your chance of having a stroke by 57%.

These are some really interesting statistics. And they make me question why I'm so adverse to... moving around.

It is difficult to have the self-control to always make good decisions, especially if you have multiple habits and projects you are working on at the same time. I feel like I remember reading somewhere (I cannot remember where, maybe someone knows? Malcolm Gladwell, perhaps?) that one can only use so much self-control during the day before breaking down. So, for example, if I'm really concentrating on using all of my spare minutes when Felicity is sleeping or otherwise occupied to straighten the house or write, and I'm making a really good effort to not swear, even in my mind, and to turn negative self-talk into positive self-talk, then I might not have enough self-control left to avoid having a piece of cake when offered one (that is, if the cake fairies exist, as I hope they do, and brought me a piece of cake, specifically German-chocolate cake with a nice, thick coconut and walnut frosting, I would not have the self-control to turn it down. I would take two. Thank you, cake fairies!).

Exercise is really one of those things that pays off in so many positive ways. If you're doing it right (not overworking yourself, doing what is within your physical limitations yet stretching yourself), it literally cannot harm you. So why is it so hard to commit to? Why is this single activity, that can make you healthier, help you live a longer, more vibrant life, can you make you healthier and smarter, so hard to commit to, especially when it requires so little time during the day?

Because I'm lazy, and I'm definitely not alone. It's true that my knee is currently injured, so cardio workouts and even a lot yoga is just out, but I do try to walk. I could do more. At this point it isn't so much about weight, but being healthy for me, being healthy so I can live a long and fulfilling life with Ian (who runs 4-5 times a week, that no good show-off), and being healthy for Felicity, so I can do everything I want to with her, be a good parent, and be a good example.

Of course, there are so many more areas of my life that I am working to have more self-control in. Something I keep repeating over and over to myself is think of how I will feel after this is done. Today, despite having a house guest (and, it turns out, a baby that will not go to sleep and stay asleep, no matter what I do!), I washed and dried three loads of laundry, folded the clothes, and put them away. I kept thinking, imagine how it will feel to have no dirty clothes, to have everything neatly put away and no clothes getting wrinkled in hampers for days (an perpetual problem in our household). And, I can say, it feels amazing.

I also had two scoops of chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream for dessert. Small steps.

Daily goals I'm currently working on:

• Walking for at least 30 minutes every day (until I get cleared for exercise again).
• The "touch it once" rule (courtesy of my mother): If I have it in my hand, put it away or do what needs to be done with it. This eliminates mail floating around, mugs moving from room to room, clothes on the floor, and a general chaos of things floating from room to room, without a home of their own. 
• Writing for 30+ minutes a day.
• Envisioning the end product of a chore or task, and how I will feel when I've finished it.
• No more than one sweet thing a day.

 Goals I've been working on that I've successfully implemented (and are now habits):

• Snacking on fruit or yogurt if I get hungry before meals.
• Responding to Felicity with empathy instead of frustration .
• Getting 1-2 servings of veggies with every meal, and one serving of fruit.
• Cooking and eating all of the meals on our menu each week, as to not waste groceries and save money avoiding eating out.

QUESTIONS: What goals are you currently working on? For you, what short-term things are hard to give up for long-term gains? What does long-term happiness mean for you?



*John Medina explicitly states (and I love this!) that he doesn't reference studies unless they're both 1) in a peer-reviewed journal; and 2) the results have been duplicated in at least one other study.

A Note for Readers

Although it wasn't necessarily my intent when I first responded to a prompt on the article "Finding Joy: Tips for Creating Your Own 30-Day Happiness Project," it's now clear to me that it will be important for me to work through the whole list compiled by Shelley Steale. I've been thinking more about starting a happiness project, but want to read a few books first before I jump into anything, so no specific plans at this time!

I also wanted to throw out a link for Shelley Seale's 30-Days at a Time blog. During the month of 2011, she focused on specific projects each month to live more conscientiously throughout the year, such as a Six Items or Less (only 6 or fewer clothing items for a month; although this initially made me shiver, I realized my post-baby wardrobe pretty much consists of this), a Locavore challenge, and of course a 30-Day Happiness Challenge.

She has a running blog called Trading Places: Experiencing How People Live Around the World, and you can find her website (with links to a few books she's written) here.

Happy reading, and thanks Shelley for a little inspiration!

Finding Joy [Part Five] / Bathtime with Felicity!

Topic of the Day (from Shelley Sealle's article on Finding Joy, as usual):

 Learn to deal with anger and conflict better. When conflicts with others arise, our outlook may become narrow until we’re focused only on the problem, leading to a self-absorption that can not only make the problem seem much more intense, but limits our ability to see the other person’s viewpoint or have compassion toward their suffering. Research shows that venting anger in a way out of proportion to the circumstance that created it physiologically arouses us and makes us even more prone to rage. A cooling-off period, which can give distance and perspective, helps address the problem without such high emotions.

This is sticky. I have never been an angry person, but since the baby, I have certainly been angrier, feeling even rageful at times (which, when I confessed this on a post on babycenter.,com, another mom suggested I might have postpartum depression, which lead me to seek counseling. Isn't the internet fun?). 


While my emotions have stabilized quite a bit in the past two months, I'm definitely pricklier than I used to be, and sometimes have a difficult time not getting upset when my mind is telling me that it's no big deal, and I can almost always try to understand what prompted Ian to do something or say something (or not do or say). But sometimes, instead of speaking up when I'm annoyed or upset about something causes me to fester about it. Of course this never lasts long; I'm terrible at hiding when I'm upset, and Ian is really good at making me talk. So there you go.

The "cooling-off" period mentioned above really doesn't work for me, I usually get even more upset. Maybe that's for a real fight with shouting and what not. Ian and I have yet to engage in one of those; our disagreements tend to be more discussion-orientated, and if one of us gets upset, we are usually careful to repair really quickly and try to approach the matter in a different way. This is what $200 of premarital counseling on how to argue will get you (we figured it was a useful topic to go over with someone in advance). Or just read Fighting for your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg and save yourself $185.01 - great book!

 On a cheerier note, Ian gave Felicity a (much-needed) bath this evening, and I took pictures. Because that's what moms do. And then they post them on Facebook, email them to relatives, save them as sceen-savers, and post them on their blogs. (I am guilty of the first, and now the last).

The light in the bathroom made everything look red, but you can see why I get absolutely nothing done during the day!

A Tuesday / Finding Joy [Part Four]

As I sit reflecting over this day, I am quite pleased. I say this eying piles of clothes that are either folded or waiting to be folded, knowing that the kitchen should be sanctioned off with police tape and a sign that reads: "Danger, leave for your own safety." We won't discuss the bedroom or the layer of grime you only find in New York City accumulating on a bathroom that was thoroughly scrubbed through on Friday morning. Actually, the entire apartment was lovely and clean on Friday.

But the cleanliness (or lack of) is not the point; I am happy and satisfied and feel peaceful despite the current war-zone-esque appearance of our four rooms on the seventh floor of a lovely apartment building in the Upper West Side.

This day was filled with beautiful moments. Hugs from Felicity when I picked her up and held her, kisses from my husband and small moments of joy with him, a fantastic dinner consisting of a really lovely fish chowder*, time reading on the bed with Felicity, going to the French book reading at Book Culture, and now baking cookies while listening to Satie. I mean, really, chocolate chip cookies and Erik Satie, while Ian sits at the table and grades final papers. This is bliss.

I'm making cookies for Ian's epistemology class as their final is tomorrow. I like surprising his class with cookies each semester for their final. It seems the decent thing to do; I believe Ian writes a difficult exam!


*In regards to my fish chowder: "This is some restaurant-grade shit!" Ian McCready-Flora, PhD.

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The prompts (more than one!) of the day from Shelley Sealle's article on Finding Joy are :

Learn to accept the past and move on from it. We can perpetuate our own pain and keep it alive, and stronger, by replaying old hurts over and over. Dwelling in the past will never change it, but only keeps you stuck there emotionally.

Adjust our attitude toward suffering. Hurt, pain and grief are part of life—but our attitude toward these hard times is critical because it affects how we cope with suffering when it comes. What we give the majority of our focus to becomes stronger and more present in our lives; when the temptation comes to wallow in past hurts or even current bad feelings, consciously choose to give mental energy and attention to the positive as well.

These two topics seem to overlap in many ways. The central theme seems to be: be present in the moment, learn from the past, and don't let the negative bog you down. Yes, it is important to recognize and feel bad things, for certainly glossing over them doesn't allow reflection or growth, but there is a distinct difference between recognizing and dealing with hurt or grief, and continuing to live in it for an extended amount of time.

So, full disclosure and all, I feel like I've been festering lately about past relationships. Not relationships as in romantic entanglements, though there was one that really did a number on me, but friendships, or the lack of friendships. Relationships can be so complex, so messy. I was thinking about one in particular today, someone that just friended me on facebook a couple of weeks ago, someone that I have all of these hurtful, messy associations with. I accepted the request (I've been ignoring her friending attempts for years), and then, after thinking way too much about her and the damage that she did, even having stressful dreams about her family, I unfriended her today, even blocked her so she couldn't contact me again. I hope I'm not the one in the wrong, but sometimes it's best not to allow someone like that back in, especially as we are in very different places with our lives.

So I've been thinking about her, was writing about a couple of girls that were mean to me in elementary school, and, even though I don't consciously think about him during the day, and am still having dreams about an emotionally-abusive guy I was involved with for several years. All of this baggage and hurt. I've invested too much time thinking about what would have happened if Ian and I had decided to in Michigan, or what if the University of Michigan would've accepted me into their doctoral program in 2009, or what if I had stayed at Calvin College instead of transferring to Bethel University, or what if I would have stayed in Minnesota after graduation instead of moving to Ann Arbor with Katherine? How does one let it just... go?

What I keep coming back to is embracing the now and what I have in front of me. Gretchen Rubin writes about her "Personal Commandments" in The Happiness Project, and I think this might be one for me: Embrace the now, live in the present (although I firmly reject the title of "Personal Commandments," as well as "Splendid Truths,"  I choose to not dwell in the would've/should've/could've, which means learn from error and move on to avoid festering.

Something else I've been working on is trying to imagine how I'll feel after a particular chore or activity is completed. For example, starting the laundry today. I've been avoiding it for... five days. I literally couldn't/wouldn't shower this morning because the only towel not in the hamper was damp from my husband's shower (I was actually planning on taking a shower and just using it, but when the shower water wouldn't warm up after two minutes, the gods seemed to be against basic cleanliness, so I just wet my hair and did a quick manual wash of my lady pits and bits). While I only started half of the laundry, and folded even less of that, I still feel somewhat accomplished - I actually started it.* And you'd better believe that I have a stack of white (bleached!) towels all ready to go! That and Ian has underwear, apparently this is all we need to keep our household functioning with any sort of order (?). I envisioned myself having clean towels, told Felicity, "Let's do laundry! We'll really enjoy having clean laundry," and did it.

And the same with the cookies. After making dinner and spending almost two hours getting Felicity to bed, making cookies seemed like quite an effort, especially all of the in-and-out of the cookie sheets. But I thought about how good I feel when I make Ian's class cookies, and how good I feel giving Ian a warm cookie from the oven (especially when he's frantically grading papers or working on a project), and then I thought about how much I love to bake, so I did it. And, assuming you read the first section of this insanely long post, you know that I had a blast making cookies.

Highlight of the Day: Today held so many beautiful moments and no clear highlight emerges (!). I had such a nice time baking cookies and just being with Ian, so I'll choose that.



*I don't know what it is about having a baby, it's probably the lingering postpartum depression, but I have an insanely difficult time starting anything that seems daunting. So chores can go awhile without being completed simply because it's hard for me to muster up the get-go. I swear I'm not lazy, I just get overwhelmed really easily, and I sometimes it feels easier to avoid something all-together than feel overwhelmed in the middle of it. Of course, we all know that things that are just waiting to be done haunt you and make you feel terrible. The ghosts of bathroom-to-be-cleaned are wretched, thesis-to-be-written are just terrible!

Book Review Inclusion / Finding Joy [Part Three]

I'm going to try to develop this blog a little bit, versus delete it and start a new one, which is my general inclination when I want to start a new project.

One of my new "resolutions" (yes, resolution, Gretchin Rubin) is to write for 30 minutes daily (in addition to any academic writing I do). I want this blog to better reflect what I'm thinking about and processing, especially as I start to work towards some long-term writing projects. We'll be realistic and understand that I probably won't actually update every day, but that's the goal.

I've also been taking the time to import all of my book review from Goodreads to this blog. As I've been going through, I realize that many of my so-called "reviews" are something along the lines of:

   "I really liked this book."
   "I did not like this book, what a terrible author."

Many of these reviews show poor pen(wo)manship and a lack of good reading, so as I think more about writing, and thus think more about reading, I plan to review every single book I read (besides the dozens of baby and children's books I read each week, of course) and actually do some sort of worthwhile review. This may not be interesting to anyone besides myself, but I need to be more engaged and take away more from my favorite pastime.

As a note, my first actual post on this blog was on June 8th, 2010, labeled "Laundomat Woes."

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Now, on to the business at hand: Finding Joy [Part Three]

The prompt of the day from Shelley Sealle's article on Finding Joy is:

Ask, “What do I love about myself?” We rarely ask ourselves this; instead, our self-dialogue tends to be very critical. Write down all the things you really love about yourself, and refer to it to battle self-doubt, criticism and guilt.

This is one of those very difficult questions to address, especially on a public forum like a blog. I shall attempt to be as honest and straightforward as possible.

• I love that I can be and am easily pleased, and small things make me happy.
• I love that I am fairly aware of what is going on internally, and can usually find a way to address what is bothering me. For instance, after the baby was born, something that was (is?) contributing to my postpartum depression was loneliness. As lame as it sounds, I joined meetup.com, found a great moms' group, started attending several weekly events (even though I hate meeting new people and am shy), and have made two friends and have ten or so other women that I enjoy seeing on a weekly basis.
• I love that I get excited about taking on new projects. 
• I love that I am curious and always want to learn new things. This is reflected in my working towards my master's degree (even though it can be a drag sometimes and difficult to actually buckle down and do the work), and learning German, for fun!
• I love that I have curves, no matter how much weight I gain or lose.
• I love that I can carry on adult conversations, even if I've been sitting at home with a baby all day thinking about diapers and talking to someone that can only babble in response.
• I love that I am a really good cook; most of the time I step into the kitchen, I produce a really tasty meal or treat. I think this is rarer than I sometimes assume.
• I love that I am always wanting to improve not only myself, but my relationship with Ian, and now my relationship with Felicity.
• I love my freckles.

There are some things that I think I like about myself, but I'm not sure if they're entirely accurate or not. For example, I wanted to write that I'm a good friend, but when I stopped to think about it, I'm not sure that I am. I forget birthdays, am not good at correspondence, and even if I have a good friend down the street or across the hall, I'm not good at initiating spending time together, even if I'd really enjoy it. However, I think I am the sort of consistent friend that will always support you and be there for you, that will celebrate your progress and joys in life, and grieve with you when you have a break-up or there is a death in the family.

My communication skills are something else I wanted to put on the list, but then second guessed myself. Overall I feel like I am a good communicator, especially in my marriage. But then I actually think about it, and although I am good at many things, such as saying "I'm sorry," reading Ian's and my emotions and moods, and working through issues verbally with him, I'll sometimes (more often recently than not) build up resentment for little things during the day and then get angry but not want to talk about it (this is not an effective technique for improving  your relationship, by the way), or sometimes I'll have an emotion and express it, but when asked for evidence for why I feel the way I do, I will be unable to name a source, which makes me defensive, and I shut down.

This isn't to say that Ian and I fight a lot, because we really don't. We don't even argue all that often. But we do have misunderstandings and are constantly trying to make sure we're on the same page. Since Felicity's birth, this has become much more difficult as we're both getting less sleep, have less time for ourselves and as a couple, and perhaps because I have been struggling with feeling really low and thus am unmotivated and/or cranky, and so extra sensitive.

Isn't it interesting how I managed to look at the negative with this exercise? And here I was supposed to be thinking about and focusing on the good things I love about myself. I am a good partner. I am a good feminist. I am a good mother. I am a good human. I am a good scholar. I am a good daughter, sister, friend, and daughter-in-law.

Finding Joy [Part Two]

From Shelley Sealle's article on Finding Joy on austin.culturemap.com, today's prompt:

Make a list of “Happiness Islands.” These are places, things and activities that make you feel joyful and content. It might be music, traveling, time spent with a loved one, a hobby, working out, pampering, etc. Try to incorporate as many of these into your daily life as possible.

My "Happiness Islands"
Places:

• Riverside Park on a sunny afternoon
• The chaise in my living room, with a book and a warm beverage
• A cafe (my two favorites in the neighborhood are Max Cafe and the Hungarian Pastry Shop), with a book, pastry/cake/delicious something and a latte
• Reading a book in bed before falling asleep

Things:

• A good book 
• Giant tea-cups on saucers
• Warm beverages such as milk tea, black tea with milk, coffee with warm milk, or cocoa that can be put in said giant tea-cups with saucers
• The feel of my face at night after I've washed, exfoliated, and moisturized
• A warm towel from the dryer (a distant dream in our current apartment)
• A good cookbook
• A home-cooked meal that was satisfying to make (new recipe that was fun, maybe tried a new technique, or a steadfast favorite/comfort-food)
• A pretty, made bed
• A clean kitchen bathed in morning sunlight
• Warm baked goods
• Baby socks
• Clean sheets

Activities

• Reading a good book (surprise, surprise!), especially if it's out of the house, by myself
• Writing: working on my blog, free-writing for my thesis, or just writing for fun
• Reading to Felicity
• Spending time with Ian where we get to chat, like while we are playing a game, cooking together, eating dinner, talking in bed before we go to sleep, going on a walk, or just playing with the baby on the floor together. I think these are my favorite moments.
• Cooking something new and exciting
• Trying a new restaurant or a new dish
• Kick-boxing
• Yoga
• Making and eating breakfast with Ian in the morning
• Having a friend over for tea and conversation
• Walking in Riverside Park with another mom and baby duo
• Attending my moms' group on Friday mornings
• Holding a sleeping baby in my arms
• Having an "adventure" with Ian: going someplace new and/or unplanned, whether we're taking a weekend trip, going slightly off-course to find a brewery, or finding ourselves in a new part of the city with a few free hours 
• Receiving back- or head-rubs from Ian (especially when I'm not feeling well, or have a headache)
• Snuggling on the couch in a thick blanket with some Haagen Daaz to watch a movie or show

In looking over these things, I am reminded how easily I can be pleased. I am constantly surprised and a little embarrassed at how 'fussy' I am (our word of choice, an alternative to high maintenance, which I like to think I avoid but probably embody on a fairly regular basis), yet how quickly and easily I can be satiated, even excited. I used to consider myself extremely low maintenance, but it turns out that I need a lot of attention (constant pats, hugs, beeps, kisses, and compliments all day long).

As I write, the Columbia students have started their "Primal Cheer," the scream that happens at midnight before the semester finals start. They may have started a minute early (11:59, egads!), but this is as good an indication as any that it's time to turn off my computer and get into my cozy bed with my cleanish sheets and my warm, snuggly husband, and fall asleep.

Review: The Happiness Project

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I have mixed emotions about this book. I really like what Rubin has done overall; I think it's immensely helpful to lead an examined life. Her method of finding what her own happiness project would look like was smart. By looking at the things that made her feel unhappy (guilt, regret, sadness, feeling out of control), she was able to target behaviors that would specifically target and change those outcomes. This is something that takes great insight and is difficult to honestly do.

She never really discusses it in her book, but I think that much of what this project did was make her more aware of how precious time is, and to live in the moment, maximizing her time as best as possible for fulfillment.

Her book is inspiring. While I don't want to commit to a full year of a happiness project, I certainly want to make a more conscientious effort to live in the moment, and this has given me good fodder to start examining my life and making certain resolutions that will improve my attitude and sense of well-being.

The negatives: I can't give this five stars because, as Rubin talked more and more about herself, I started to really dislike her. I found a lot of her anger and annoyance to be petty, and it seems like she is a little self-centered and can be quite rude to her husband, kids, and peers. Does she address this and try to change? Yes, a bit, but I think there is something a little deeper here that needs to be addressed.

Should you read it? If you think that you have the situation to be happy but aren't, or feel like you are missing out on your own life, then yes, at least skim it.




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Finding Joy [Part One]

I'm currently reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Although I cannot say I like her writing persona, her book is full of good insights. The general theme is: how can I make my life a happier one? Part of this is, of course, understanding what makes one happy and what does not. While there is a chapter on money and finances, she writes very clearly that money has little to do with actual happiness. Most of her time focuses on what makes her happy, be it clean closets or creating more "magic" in the lives of her children, finding practical ways to make these things happen, and tracking her experiences and results along the way.

I do relate with Rubin's introduction (at least I think it was the introduction); she wrote that she was on the bus and saw a busy and frazzled-looking mother, and realized that, although she had all of the tools to be happy (good marriage, loves her children, financial security, successful writing career), she did not actually feel happy most of the time.

Rubin hasn't mentioned this yet in her book (I'm about two-thirds of the way through), but it seems to me that the biggest change she makes in all of this is being more present and intentional in her life, moment to moment. Having Felicity has made me much more aware of time (although I feel like I perhaps waste more of it now than I did before?); I know this small baby (not so small anymore!) will only be small once, that I will only be able to hold her, give her thousands of kisses and hugs a day, and sing to her like I do for a short time. She is so innocent and lovely, and I know that it is important to value every moment with her.

I feel this way myself much of the time. It is amazing when I step back and see both the good in my life, and then to think about things that I let upset me. So, while I'm not going to commit to a year-long happiness project of my own (although I think this is a worthwhile venture and would like to at some point), I do want to be more intentional with my time, and be more present in my life and my decisions.

An article written by Shelley Seale on Culture Map has prompts to creating your own happiness project (finding joy), and I want to explore some of these prompts, starting with the first on her list:

Want what we have – not what we don’t. Happiness has less to do with our circumstances, than how we perceive them and how satisfied we are with what we have. Our feelings of contentment are strongly influenced by our tendency to compare; which is why the whole “keeping up with the Jones” mentality is such a debilitating spiral. But conversely, you can use comparison to shift your perspective and contemplate how things could be worse. Try this exercise: Complete the sentence “I’m glad I’m not _____.”

• I'm glad I'm not raising Felicity by myself; I'm so grateful that Ian is a true partner in every sense of the word.
• I'm glad I'm not in a dead-end job that I don't find fulfilling; while being a stay-at-home mom may not be my dream job, I'm thankful I'm not behind a desk and can spend all day with Felicity and witness her growth and be a part of her happiness.
• I'm glad I'm not in poor health; I'm grateful that I can walk without pain, that I'm not bed-ridden, and that I can enjoy the things I want to enjoy.
• I'm glad I'm not broke; yes, money is tight, but we have enough to make ends meet, take care of ourselves and Felicity with some comfort, and still have a little leftover to save for the future. Sometimes I have to remind myself of the situations I used to see when I was a financial counselor to put our finances in perspective (we are not behind in rent, we have money for utilities, we have money to eat out occasionally, and to buy new clothes and toiletries when needed).
• I'm glad I'm not a bad cook; how wonderful that I enjoy cooking, love to eat my veggies, and can enjoy this activity with Ian several times a week.
• I'm glad I'm not taking care of an elderly or sick parent; I am fully aware that this may be in the cards for the future and will gladly do it if and when the times comes, but I am grateful that we don't have the additional financial stress or emotional burden of taking this on right now.
• I'm glad I'm not pregnant; I'm really happy to just have one baby to worry about right now!
• I'm glad I'm not in a drama-filled relationship; it is easy (most of the time) to be married to Ian, and I'm so grateful that we are both adults that can communicate well, resolve problems, and work together towards making our future as good as it can be. 

It feels strange to do a comparison sort of gratitude list, but it's true that humans love to compare themselves with others, and I certainly am aware that I'm prone to do this myself.

 

Review: The Handbook for Lightning Strike Survivors: A Novel

The Handbook for Lightning Strike Survivors: A Novel by Michele Young-Stone

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



This was a perfect read over a stormy, rainy weekend. Although many of the themes are 'darker,' dealing with alcoholism, depression, loneliness, philandering, etc., it was an extremely enjoyable read and not at all difficult to work through. Young-Stone is a fun author, this was a great first novel, and I look forward to further work from her.

I really enjoyed this book and would strongly suggest it as a good vacation or lazy-weekend read. Be aware though, reading The Handbook for Lightening Strike Survivors will make you MUCH more paranoid about being hit by lightening!



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