I've Been Doing Things

You've certainly noticed a lack of posts; I usually make an effort to post daily, yet there has been an almost two-week silence!

It's really all been quite a bit of readjusting and re-prioritizing. That and packing, and cleaning, then a three-day roadtrip, cleaning some more, and unpacking and organizing.

Ian and I decided we really weren't pleased with many of our choices and use of our time over the summer. Yes, I wrote a lot and started a few new projects, and we made steps in the right direction for revamping our budget to save more, and improve our eating habits, but the whole time in Ann Arbor felt very unfocused and confused. We spent several days talking and planning when we got back, and committed ourselves to a schedule that prioritizes my work as well as his. What this means, however, is that we're spending less time together in the evening, waking up earlier, and have less free time in general. We're getting serious, yo.

I love to blog, I love to write. I love working on my projects. But realistically, I need to focus on doing my part in keeping the family in order, then my research, then my physical goals, and then fun things like reading and blogging and watching videos of adorable kittens online (there is actually very little of this, but who am I to say that it doesn't occupy more time than it actually should?)/

We've also committed to not eating out at all, except for once a month on our lunaversary. This is actually pretty easy to do now; there are absolutely no restaurants within walking distance (or even a short train ride!) that are both affordable and cater to a vegan diet. Ditto with baked goods.

And so we are very intentional in planning out all of our meals, even our snacks. It means we are spending more on groceries (though about the same overall as when we were eating out 2-4 times a week and eating meat and dairy products), and that we are both spending more time in the kitchen. I'm the lucky one - I get to spend most of my kitchen time cooking! And then Ian cleans up my messes, which is a really big job. So when I say that a large chunk of time is going to "keeping my family in order," what I really mean is that I spend lots of time in the kitchen. Making delicious things. And lots of messes. But I'd like to focus on the delicious things.

I'm also taking my research much more seriously, prioritizing it above all else during my allotted 'Rachel' time. I haven't done this since the baby was born. Before, if Felicity was cranky, or I was tired, or the house was a mess (one of these three things was almost always the case!), I would choose to stay home. Now, save for a medical emergency and/or natural disaster (they often come hand in hand, no?), I'm out the door when I'm supposed to be. I'm started actually leaving my computer at home to avoid distractions when I'm out. And guess what? I'm working at about 3x the speed. I have to write out my notes by hand, but that's fine.

And exercising. I'm exercising now at night if I'm not working or cleaning. This instead of watching Gilmore Girls (maybe I can do both at once!?!). 

Add on to all of this a poor, sweet little thing about twenty-two pounds in weight that has her two front, top teeth coming in (ouch!), and has had a terrible case of the loose-poos for the past four days straight. As she has no other symptoms, we're pretty sure it's because of the teething and the pediatrician isn't worried... yet. But seriously, Felicity goes through about 15+ diapers a day now, and, despite our best efforts, has a diaper rash that only a forgetful and easily-distracted infant can endure. I'm pretty sure I would not be as patient with such a red, angry booty.

And her sleep schedule is all messed up due to the above. It's super not cool.

So yeah. I've been doing things.

I do plan on starting back with the Meditation Project very soon. We haven't done any sitting or walking meditation in the week we've been back, and I must admit that my daily mindfulness practice has also almost disappeared. Isn't it funny how a change in location can throw off your groove? I need to take some time to plan out how to be intentional with the project and work it into our grand schedule. Personally, I think this will involve leaving hand-written gathas around the house on note cards.

For example:

As I take off your steaming diaper,
I am reminded of the ebb and flow of life.
May your diaper rash heal,
As we heal ourselves and others.

I'm kidding. Sort of...

Mindfulness Project: Week Four [Part I]

Mindfulness Project: Week One [Week One Review]
Mindfulness Project: Week Two  [Week Two Review]
Mindfulness Project: Week Three [Week Three Review]

I know, I know, this post is super late. But we're pausing on Week Four for a week or two because it's a big week, the biggest week so far, and I've just been processing (and migraining) for the past few days.

Who Am I?

I don't ask this question often. I'm much more likely to look at my partner and think Who is this person? (The answer: the person who has so much dirt on me, it's ridiculous). 

The question "Who am I?" is the central theme of Chapter Four in Andrew Weiss' book Beginning Mindfulness. Weiss writes about how it is really difficult to answer this questions without using any of the many labels that we identify with:

If we ask ourselves the question "Who am I?" and if we are honest, we will acknowledge that we haven't the slightest idea. All of our answers to that question are tags and labels. We say we are Christian or Jewish, a man or a woman, white or brown or black, old or young, but none of these answers tells us who we really are. All they tell us is how we have chosen to identify ourselves. They are mental constructs, but what do they have to do with the deeper reality of our own being? Take away the words and labels, and then let me know who you are. Can you do this? At a deep, fundamental level, who we are is a great mystery. Even if we say, "I am a human being," do we have any idea what a human being is? Again, if we are honest, we will answer that we don't have a clue.

.This is intense. It is mind-boggling difficult to think about the nature of the self, or the nature of anything without the labels we attach to everything.

Weiss goes on to explain that it is not so much that answer that is important, but the question that is of significance. Asking this question of ourselves helps us to see the outside influences and artificial constructs we exist within. And asking "What is this?" about the various objects we come across during our day does the same thing. It frees us.

[Asking "Who am I?] is a direct way to experience life without the usual ideas and concepts standing in the way. It provides clear, unequivocal direction for our [mindfulness] practice. One friend of mine refers to this as "the graceful state of not knowing."

I adore the phrase "the graceful state of not knowing."

I didn't meditate last night because I had a migraine, but on Friday night, I asked myself "Who am I?" and answered "I don't know" throughout my formal sitting practice. It is really interesting to sit and to admit that I don't know It is humbling. It is simplifying. I have so many labels I identify with, so many labels I would like not to identify with anymore, and several I would like to aspire to. And this question strips all of them away. It allows for a free, clear space, where I am allowed to be me, purely me.

Pausing

I know I'm day's late posting the introduction to the fourth week of the Mindfulness Project. There are several reasons:

1. It's a really dense chapter; I've taken several days to really start processing what Weiss wrote, and I still feel like I'm only brushing the surface.
2. As the chapter is so dense and there is so much to focus on, we're pausing on this chapter for two or three weeks. This is also to allow my other two Project Meditation participants to catch up. 
3. It's been a rough week. Ian and I did an overhaul on our budget (again), we've been working on sleep training for naps (more on this soon), and Felicity's second tooth just came in (read: crabby baby). 
4. I'm starting over my thesis project from scratch (!); it had to be done, I'm glad I hadn't gotten to any good writing yet. My adviser and I both feel better about this project, but I've been taking a few days to just think about what I want to read and think about, and most of my mental energy has been here. 
5. I'm working on a jigsaw puzzle to relieve stress after the baby is in bed. Judge my grandmotherly pastime as you please, but this puzzle is a beaut. (And yes, I totally drink peppermint tea while I work on it. You wish you were this hip).

I hope to have time to put up the Chapter Four review tomorrow, but you'll most likely see the post up on Sunday. I'm of the mindset that if I'm going to get anything from this project, I need to take it seriously and give it the time it needs, and sometimes that means repeating a week, or lingering as needed.

Love from Michigan,
Rachel

Mindfulness Project: Week Three [Review]

Mindfulness Project: Week One [Week One Review]
Mindfulness Project: Week Two  [Week Two Review]
Mindfulness Project: Week Three

To be honest, week three of the Mindfulness Project has been really difficult. I think I did formal, sitting meditation once, walking meditation three times. On the flip side, my daily mindfulness seems to be improving; I've been somewhat successful in mindfulness when I drink water (no tea or coffee this week for me!), remembering to stop and breathe much of the time. I am successful at the sitting and standing mindfulness less often, but I'm improving. And of course the mindfulness bell on my computer is helpful, as always.

I was also pleased that I stumbled into a natural walking meditation gatha:

With each step I take,
My mind is alert, my heart open.
I breathe in love,
I exhale compassion.

Despite a spotty meditation practice, I've been feeling much better this week. I'm sleeping again, better than I've slept in a few months, and I'm feeling better, overall. The mindfulness has helped me decrease anxiety and stress.
The biggest change? I was able to actually determine that the source of my anxiety was... my thesis topic. Couldn't work, couldn't sleep. And we all know what happens when one can't sleep. Personally, I become a cranky, demanding hellion! To quote Ian (after bringing me home an impromptu gift), "It was hard to choose you this morning." He did, of course.

I'm meeting with my thesis chair tomorrow, but I have an idea for another project, a project that isn't causing me to lose sleep or feel like an incompetent crazy person (time will tell!). 

So, as we start Week Four, I'm making a commitment to actually do the sitting meditation, every day. I may as well give up this project if I'm not going to fully commit to it, so commit to it I shall.

Mindfulness Project: Week Three

Mindfulness Project: Week One [Week One Review]
Mindfulness Project: Week Two  [Week Two Review]

I really enjoyed reading the third chapter (Week Three: Increasing Awareness); Weiss's words seemed particularly insightful.

Thoughts and feelings during formal meditation. It is perfectly normal and expected that our minds should be moving and thinking as we meditate. Weiss writes that we are to acknowledge them thought, and acknowledge the emotion behind the thought, then set it aside. For instance, as I sat meditating last night, my mind kept circling back to my thesis project. My heart would start racing, I felt embarrassed I hadn't returned my chair's email in three days, and I got distracted from my concentration. But I took a moment and thought about what I was experiencing: I am thinking about this huge project I have to complete, and I feel stressed and anxious and frustrated, my heart rate has quickened, my breathing has accelerated. I acknowledged the feelings, and tried to let it go and focus on taking deep breaths to regulate my heart again. I can't say I was completely successful in letting go, but I think I made some progress. Weiss writes that naming of emotions helps us to acknowledge what is happening in our conscious, which allows us understand ourselves better. Thoughts = not a bad thing.

One meditation teacher invites us to envision the true nature of our mind as a clear blue sky. Thoughts, feelings, sensations, and perceptions are clouds that come and go across the blue sky. Some clouds are white sips, others dark thunderheads. Sometimes the clouds may obscure the blue sky, the blue sky is always there. Just as a small patch of blue often appears during a hurricane, the blue-sky nature of our mind/heart can reveal itself through the louds of thinking, feeling, and perceiving, no matter how dense they become.

. See what I mean about insight this week? How beautiful, and what a striking image to have in mind as you meditate. 

Awareness of the Body: Checking in with our bodies keeps us aware of ourselves and our surroundings. One excercise Weiss recommends is using the act of standing up to take a moment to focus on breathing, and how the body feels as you make the transition. (And with sitting down). As I read this passage last night, I realized I was sitting sideways in a small armchair, one leg tucked under myself, the other hanging over the arm of the chair, and had one hand on top of my head. Apparently I read in really strange positions. I had no idea.

Using more mindfulness gathas. Weiss encourages using gathas throughout the day to increase mindfulness as we complete our tasks and go about our business. He includes several gathas in the book, for activities as trivial as flushing the toilet and turning on the television, to gathas to recite when cooking, waking up, or entering into a sitting or walking meditation. My favorite gatha was for the sitting meditation:

Sitting in the present moment,
I breathe mindfully.
Each in-breath nourishes love,
Each out-breath, compassion.

I also loved this gatha for hugging:

I am so happy to hug my dear                   .
I know (s)he is real in my arms.

The homework this week is to increase to three daily mindfulness activities. My three practices for the week are as follows:

1. Breathing and awareness of self when my mindfulness bell dings (every fifteen minutes when my computer is open);
2. Be mindful of my body and the act of hydration when drinking water or tea; and 
3. Take notice of my body and how it feels when I stand up. 

This third one might be a little difficult as, at least half of the time my standing up occurs when I have to chase after the baby or respond to her, but I'll sure do my best.

Mindfulness Project: Week Two [Review]

Mindfulness Project: Week One [Week One Review]
Mindfulness Project: Week Two

I'm really glad that I decided to redo week two and make a bit of an effort. I won't say that I was 100% consistent this week either, but the whole point of the Mindfulness Project is to be aware and to learn, and certainly my effort and heart is going into these two goals.

The two main themes of the second week were breathing and beginning a walking meditation:

• Focus on Breathing: Ian and I did our sitting practice four nights out of the seven in this week (not perfect, I know, we're still getting into the habit), and I was very intentional during the formal practice to monitor and watch my breathing. I found that my breathing often seemed cramped and congested while doing my sitting meditation. It was only last night when I thought back to my old yoga classes (I so wish I could afford to attend yoga classes in New York!), and how we used to expand our chests to be able to breath better. And you know what? I made all the difference. I sat tall, expanded my chest by rounding my shoulders back and away from my chest, and my breathing became much more comfortable. I was able to better focus on the meditation process itself.

• Walking Practice: Guess what? I really enjoy walking meditation! Gosh, I hope I'm doing it right, but on a lovely day, it is so nice to slow down a little, moniter the feel of my feet and legs as I move, along with my breathing, and just take in the sights! I found that I remembered to walk like this about half the time I was walking outside. And walkiing with a stoller? Great for walking meditation. I only did Kinhin walking once; Ian and I walked around our living room in circles for five minutes once after a sitting practice. I found it difficult to concentrate doing this. I'm not sure if I just need to give it more time, or if I just have a preference to be sitting and being, or walking around town on the alert when I meditate.

My relationship with my mindfulness bell continues to develop. I've had it on my computer for three weeks now, and I am increasingly fond of it every day. The fifteen minute chimes do really keep me grounded. I've noticed that every time I hear a chime, I stop and take into account what I'm doing, how my body feels, and my emotions. Sometimes this helps me to check myself, to realize that my activity is a positive one, removing a negative or annoyed emotion as I continue forward. More often than not, I am overcome with feeling of gratuity.

For example, this afternoon, I was sitting at the kitchen table, folding laundry. Felicity was sitting in her orange chair, destroying a graham cracker piece. The mindfulness bell went, and, despite having terrible menstrual cramps that are reminiscent of back labor (seriously body?) and a general sense of tiredness and achiness today, which would normally get me down, I reflected. I'm sitting in a cool house, folding laundry at this table, with a happy, babbling baby with graham cracker gook sitting adorably on her chin. And I was grateful and present in the moment: I was ecstatic that the house we're subletting has free laundry in the basement, thought about how nice it would be to open up my drawer tomorrow and be able to wear any of my favorite shirts and anticipated that small thrill, and just felt completely, blissfully in love with my small charge, that warm ball of sunshine and snuggles that poops itself.

I can't say that I was as successful about being mindful when drinking tea or water. I was for the first day, and then I forgot. But I plan to pick this back up in the next week.

Lastly, eating, which in our house now means veganism! For the most part, I want to keep my enthusiasm for this project on Plant Matters, our cozy blog about starting our vegan project, but it really ties in so nicely with the Mindfulness Project in so many ways. I'm finding that, even in the first week of eating plant-based food, my attitudes toward food and the act of eating are already changing. I've been cooking more frequently, and am finding that coming back to the kitchen and being a part of the production of all of my meals makes me that much more aware of what I am eating, and why I am eating it.

Mealtimes have also slowed down. Felicity now sits down with us to eat, attired in a bright bib and always a smile (I think dinnertime is her favorite time of day). She may not get much of it in her mouth, but eating with her forces Ian and I to slow down, to focus on what we are eating, and what she is eating. When she was smaller, we would usually have her with us in the room, but might also have a show on in the background. More recently, we'd been eating out more often, or waiting to eat dinner until she was already in bed, by which point we were to hungry and exhausted to enjoy the food. It is such a pleasure to eat a meal with a baby.

Look for the introduction to Week Three tomorrow!

Mindfulness Project: Week Two

[Click here for Mindfulness Project: Week One]

In the second chapter of Beginning Mindfulness: Learning the Way of Awareness, Andress Weiss takes several of the concepts from the first week's chapter and expands on them.

The first section is on being aware of breathing, which helps lead to serenity. He writes:

We can begin by being aware of whether our in-breath is long or short. Perhaps our in-breath is short and our out-breath is long. It's not important to make our breath be any particular way; it's only important to notice how our breath is. We train our attention on this breath that we are breathing right now and not on remembering the one we have just breathed. We also do not anticipate the one we will inhale or exhale next.

This type of breathing helps one remain in the present, and can deepen mediation.

In the second part of the chapter, Weiss introduces walking meditation. I've never heard of walking meditation before! Apparently there are two main types:

1. Kinhin, or "slow walking": When practicing kinhin, you walk slowly, concentrating on the ground in front of you, your breathing, posture, and the feel of your feet, legs, and body as you step forward. Each step accompanies an in-breath or out-breath.
2. Faster walking meditation: This second type of walking meditation still isn't at a brisk pace, but it does move faster at a nice stroll. While still concentrating on breathing and the way the body feels as you walk, you also take in the sights and notice what is going on around you. 

   As we walk, we may see, hear, or smell something that we want to savor. When we do, we stop, breathe in and out several times, and enjoy what we encounter. We breathe to be fully present.

I have to admit my initial response to walking while meditating was, well, surprise; frankly, it sounds a little strange! (And, ask my husband, I have a hard enough time walking without tripping as it is!). But upon reading this chapter again, I can appreciate the strengths of each type of walking meditation. The first is very focused on stilling the mind, which relaxes and centers the body. The second allows for greater awareness and appreciation for the outside world.

The tasks this week are to increase the sitting meditation time to ten or even fifteen minutes, and to do a little kinhin walking mediation afterwards; and to add a second daily-life mindfulness ritual. I still have the "Mindful Clock" installed on both computers and have been very consistent in pausing, breathing, and reflecting when it goes off at fifteen minute intervals. For my second mindful activity, I'm going to take a few moments to concentrate on my breathing and thoughts when getting a drink of water or tea throughout the day.

For those of you on this journey with me, how are your practices going so far? Have you been consistent with your sitting meditation? Has it been difficult or easy to get through your sessions? Have you tried walking meditation yet?

Repeating Week Two!

Hey all, I'm back!

In the past week, I must admit that the meditation project went off-track. I was traveling, and Ian and I haven't gotten back into the habit since Felicity and I got back. I've been practicing my daily mindfulness project, but not as consistently as I would like. As it's been over a week since I read the second chapter of Beginning Mindfulness, I will re-read it tomorrow, post about it, and we'll repeat the week!

I hope everyone is healthy and well, and had a lovely weekend.

Love,
Rachel

Mindfulness Project: Week One [Review]

We're finishing up the first week of the Mindfulness Project, and I wanted to check in with everyone to let you know how it's going.

To start, the week was simultaneously more difficult and easier than I thought it would be, in that some days were incredibly easy, and some days it was challenging to take the time to meditate, and to try to be aware. I found I actually had to open up Beginning Mindfulness once or twice to remind myself what being mindful of the moment meant. And honestly, right now, I'm not sure I completely understand, though had you asked me a week ago, I would've said I understood the concept completely.

Meditating was actually an easier task than I thought it would it be, and I enjoy it. The time passes quickly, and it feels good to sit down and do it after Felicity is alseep (and I mean really asleep, so I don't have to think about her possibly crying or needing a loving word to calm a fuss).

Positive Changes in the First Week:

• I'm walking and sitting with better posture; I think this is because my lower and upper back muscles are strengthening while I'm meditating, which hopefully will counteract the "nursing slouch" it's almost impossible to avoid.
• I'm more thankful throughout the day; it's hard not to feel gratitude when I'm constantly checking in with myself. For instance, I'm walking and it's really lovely outside. I am on a walk because I have an egalitarian husband who looks forward to watching the baby for me so I can remain a sane person. And I feel thankful for the weather, the breeze, my thoughtful, feminist husband, my sweet baby. And some anticipation for the pot of tea and chocolate macaroon I am soon to enjoy.
• I'm more compassionate; I've been making a conscious effort to not jump to negative conclusions about people I see/meet, and when I find myself thinking poorly of someone else, I then make myself try to understand why I came to the snap judgment I did, and why that kind of thinking is problematic. All in all, I've been more willing to give strangers the benefit of the doubt.

While there are several positive changes I can already identify, the week also had it's challenges. Ian and I completely forgot to do our meditation one night, and we usually have to force ourselves to set aside the ten minutes before bed. Of course it feels good once you're doing it, but, like forming any other positive habit, sometimes its hard to jump into an action without a little mental resistance (or plain forgetfulness).

And of course I feel like I no longer understand what 'mindfulness' completely means. I have the Mindful Clock on my computer that dings every fifteen mintues, and sometimes when it goes, I struggle to understand what I'm supposed to do and what I am doing. I usually stop what I'm doing, take three deep breaths, and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I haven't memorized my gatha from last week, and rarely remember to carry it about with me.

And sometimes, like just now, when the bell rang as I was typing the above paragraph, all I can think to say to myself is, "You're here, sitting, typing your blog entry." And is that actually being aware? Probably not. I need to spend more time thinking about what motivates my activities, and to really think about why I'm doing something as I'm doing it.

Mindfulness Project: Week One

Today is the start of the Beginning Mindfulness reading project. Beginning Mindfulness:Learning the Way of Awareness, by Andrew Weiss, is a non-religious approach to meditation and daily mindfulness. The book is a 10-week course, with a chapter a week for guidance, and projects to work on with each chapter.

There are three of us reading the book together. We all read the introduction and first chapter yesterday, and today was the day for implementation! I'll talk a little about how Day One went, but first, a brief summary of what was read.



In the first week's chapter, Weiss introduced several main concepts:

1. Sitting Meditation (Formal Meditation) - this is what we all think of when we hear the word 'meditation.' You sit, you breathe, and you try to empty your head of thoughts and concerns. Weiss recommends counting from one to ten with in and out breaths, then count back down again (in, one, out, one; in, two, out, two... and so forth) to center yourself as you start.
2. Daily Mindfulness (Informal Practice) - part of learning mindfulness is to center the self and thoughts throughout the day, and to be aware of what you are doing as you do it. He recommends stopping at various points during the day to focus on your breathing and recenter yourself, and to note mental and physical transitions as they occur.
3. Bell of Mindfulness - using a bell (or bell sound) to center yourself, whether when starting your formal meditation, or during the day to remind yourself to center and focus on your breath.

The assignments for the week are to start with two five-minute formal sitting meditations a day, and to pick a mindfulness activity (there is an extended list of daily mindful activities in the book, covering anything from noticing the way your feet hit the floor in the morning, to being mindful when you are on your way out the door in the morning, to using a bell of mindfulness in the home in the evening).

For my mindfulness project of the week, I installed a "Mindful Clock" on my computer, which plays a small tone every 15 minutes, and a more sonorous tone every 60 minutes. I have copied a suggested gatha (small mindfulness poem) onto a notecard, and will attempt to read it and breathe with it whenever I hear the tone:

Voice of the bell, voice my heart,  (breathe in),
I invite your sound to awaken me. (breathe out)
May all beings live in mindfulness, (breathe in)
Our hearts open and minds clear. (breathe out)

I will admit that the gatha still sounds a little silly to me, and I might try writing another myself, or finding a book at the library with a larger list, but it's what I'll use for now.

Ian and I tried our first sitting practice tonight. We arranged ourselves on the living room floor, in places where we don't normally sit during the day (and we actually spend a great deal of time on the floor with Felicity, so that is harder than you might imagine). We used an online meditation bell, and gave ourselves ten minutes.

It was actually easier than I thought it would be to stay focused, and it surprised me how quickly the ten minutes went by. I started with the breathing exercise that Weiss mentioned, and went ahead and repeated it the two times I found myself distracted. For most of the time, I tried to integrate some of a meditation method I'd read about elsewhere: to stare softly at the place in-between your closed eyes, and to find the light and look at it, then to say the names for god that use over and over again. Being the irreligious soul I am, I didn't really have any names for god to use, and don't necessarily know that this of any good, but I repeated qualities that I want to grow in my life, like love, grace, and peace.

All in all, I would say the first day is off to a good start. I'm excited to see how I feel by the end of the first week, and by the end of the ten weeks! Now if I can just get flexible enough to do a full lotus...