To start, the week was simultaneously more difficult and easier than I thought it would be, in that some days were incredibly easy, and some days it was challenging to take the time to meditate, and to try to be aware. I found I actually had to open up Beginning Mindfulness once or twice to remind myself what being mindful of the moment meant. And honestly, right now, I'm not sure I completely understand, though had you asked me a week ago, I would've said I understood the concept completely.
Meditating was actually an easier task than I thought it would it be, and I enjoy it. The time passes quickly, and it feels good to sit down and do it after Felicity is alseep (and I mean really asleep, so I don't have to think about her possibly crying or needing a loving word to calm a fuss).
Positive Changes in the First Week:
- I'm walking and sitting with better posture; I think this is because my lower and upper back muscles are strengthening while I'm meditating, which hopefully will counteract the "nursing slouch" it's almost impossible to avoid.
- I'm more thankful throughout the day; it's hard not to feel gratitude when I'm constantly checking in with myself. For instance, I'm walking and it's really lovely outside. I am on a walk because I have an egalitarian husband who looks forward to watching the baby for me so I can remain a sane person. And I feel thankful for the weather, the breeze, my thoughtful, feminist husband, my sweet baby. And some anticipation for the pot of tea and chocolate macaroon I am soon to enjoy.
- I'm more compassionate; I've been making a conscious effort to not jump to negative conclusions about people I see/meet, and when I find myself thinking poorly of someone else, I then make myself try to understand why I came to the snap judgment I did, and why that kind of thinking is problematic. All in all, I've been more willing to give strangers the benefit of the doubt.
And of course I feel like I no longer understand what 'mindfulness' completely means. I have the Mindful Clock on my computer that dings every fifteen mintues, and sometimes when it goes, I struggle to understand what I'm supposed to do and what I am doing. I usually stop what I'm doing, take three deep breaths, and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I haven't memorized my gatha from last week, and rarely remember to carry it about with me.
And sometimes, like just now, when the bell rang as I was typing the above paragraph, all I can think to say to myself is, "You're here, sitting, typing your blog entry." And is that actually being aware? Probably not. I need to spend more time thinking about what motivates my activities, and to really think about why I'm doing something as I'm doing it.